Yep, it's me.

Well, it's been awhile again so here goes nothing. Kids are back in school, well have been since August. Ethan is a freshmen in high school, Zach is in 4TH and Connor is in 1ST. Hard to believe that my oldest is in high school. Most people have told me you don't look old enough to have a kid in high school. Yes, that is true, but I turned 39 this Summer. My husband

is still working at a place he has worked for over 15 years and hard to believe he has been there that long.

As for me, I am working again. I haven't worked outside the home, since I was pregnant with my oldest, which was over 15 years ago. I only work part time and I work at an elementary school, different than my kids. I enjoy working there and the people I work with and the kids are great. It's great because I work the times my kids are in school. This job gives me something to do outside the home and I think I am doing a good job. My husband says he is proud of me, so that is nice to hear. For me, its just nice to be noticed. I have been married for almost 17 years and still after all these years I find it hard to believe that I have someone love me so much. I never thought this would ever happen to me, but it has.

Another thing I want to talk about is a having a baby. Some people know about this because I have written about it a few times on my blog and I know not many people read my blog. I really want one, but I always remember my high risk pregnancy, having another boy that would have Muscular Dystrophy, just like my 9 year old and well I am getting older and my youngest is almost 7 years old. If I had the money, who knows if that would ever happen especially where my husband works. Some people know that I have always wanted to adopt and I am thinking maybe that is where I am suppose to get my little girl, but who knows if that will happen. One thing that helps me deal with this, is I give a baby outfit to all the babies that are born in my ward, which let me tell you is a lot. Even if I don't know them very well, I still give them an outfit. Hey, who doesn't like little baby outfits. I love them. Until, next time.

They Keep Moving Away

I feel sad again, another good friend of mine is leaving this town next month and I don't know what to do about it. This makes 5 really good friends have moved in the past 2 years and I just feel alone. Thankgoodness, I saw one of them this past Saturday and another 1 back in May. That helped a lot. I don't make friends very easily, it has been this way forever. It doesn't matter how old you are, everyone needs friends. I know I haven't been a great friend to some people and I feel bad about that. I just have a hard time opening up to people, I am afraid to getting hurt again. I guess I am also afraid of how people think of me and well I shouldn't worry about this, but I do, for people have talked about me behind my back and so I always think everyone does this. I know it has been years, since I was a teenager and I already talked about this in my last blog entry, so I won't go into that. I want to tell my friends, who live near and far, I Love You. Even though we might not talk often, you are all the best.

The other thing, is I wish I was moving too because I feel trapped here. Let me explain. Yes, this is a great place to live, but a hard place to make a living. I really feel blessed, but I wish we lived closer to more family and better medical facilities. Maybe someday we can do this, but who knows when that will be. For now, my kids are very happy here, we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, and my husband has a job, so that is all that matters.

Okay, here it goes.

Sorry that I haven't blogged for months, but sometimes I have a hard time of knowing what to say on my blog and that is one of the biggest reasons why I haven't blogged for awhile. My life isn't that busy right now, which is okay. I get to stressed out if it is too busy, so I try to keep it low key for now. There is probably one thing that I have wanted to write about for awhile now and I think I am ready to talk about it. I would like to know, why people make fun of others and why people just hate other people for no reason at all. This has happened to me pretty much my whole life and that is why I don't like myself all that much and I try to like myself, but what's so good about me. I wore glasses from ages 4-16 and let me tell you I didn't like wearing them, but I did or I wouldn't be able to see well. A lot of people made fun of me because I wore glasses and sometimes people would see me and just walk away and not really bother to talk to me. From 12 1/2 to 16 years of age I lived in a town called Simi Valley, CA and those were some of the hardest years for me. Being a teenager was part of it, but the other part was being made fun of. People at school did it and so did people at church. I also knew people were talking about me behind my back, I could just tell that they were. Yes, I did have some friends and I knew the ones that cared about me because they liked me for me and they didn't care that I wore glasses. I haven't had to wear glasses for a very long time, but why do I still care about what people think of me. I am friends with some of them on face book and for me it is a good thing. I can tell, which ones care for me and which ones don't, so I am thinking of not being friends with those people on face book anymore. Maybe that would help me, but I don't know. I have looked through some of my journals from when I lived in Simi and all I can say is I did have some happy memories from there, but other memories weren't very happy. Some people were really mean to me and I seemed to believe everything people told me and I can't believe I was that way. I just shake my head every time I read that in my journals.

I am almost 39 years old and I have moved on in a way, but in another way I haven't. It does still hurt, of what kids put me through back then, but it was over 20 years ago. Then I was so happy , when I didn't have to wear glasses anymore. I took the eye exam for Driver's ED in 10TH grade and I couldn't see with my glasses on, but with them off I saw perfectly fine. Then we moved about a month or 2 after that to Ramona CA and I was so happy to move. I had a chance to start all over, where nobody knew my past or that I wore glasses, but I was wrong. I had kids still make fun of me one way or another and it took me alittle while to really make friends, but I eventually did. Some days were harder than others, where I just wanted to stay in my room for a very long time and yes I even thought about killing myself. I had a hard time talking to people, even my own family and to this day I still have a hard time talking about my feelings to anyone, even my husband and kids. I have a hard time sorting out in my head of what I want to say, that is why I ramble sometimes. Even to this day, I still have a hard time making friends and I don't know why. Maybe it is because I am not skinny anymore (used to be a size 7 before kids) or I am older than them or I don't have a baby. I don't know what it is. Maybe I should stop wondering why.

I think I am an okay person, well I try to be anyway. I love movies, you should see our collection, if you haven't yet. I love to collect dolls, love care bears, love to get magnets from the Quilted Bear, you should see my fridge, love strawberries, love my kids, love to watch many TV shows, I write in my journal and I started it when I was 11, love my family, love my husband, love the friends I have and I know I need to be a better friend to some of them and I am sorry for that. I don't like Twilight at all, but I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, love going to the beach, love to take pictures for fun and I even got one published years ago, been Bungee Jumping Twice, many years ago before I met my husband, don't like camping all that much, like to ride my bike, love to drive and the radio has to be on, love Classic Rock and some of that music, I didn't really listen to until I met my husband, love to decorate the house and keep the house clean and my kids are pretty good about keeping it that way and so is my husband, Dr. Pepper is the only soda that I will drink, love to go to church, for the past 2 years or so I have given baby outfit's to everyone that has had a baby in my ward and more babies will be born in the next few months and if I forgot anyone, I am sorry; love to dance and well I could go on and on. So I guess I am an okay person, I really am and I do love life, even though life is hard and we all have trials to go through. I have been through many and yes I am okay. I just have a hard time believing in myself and that I am of worth because of what people did to me back then and it is hard to write about it, but I had to get it out, even though it took over 20 years to do so. If for any reason I offended anyone, I am truly sorry.