I need to Try

I know this song has been out for awhile, but for the last few weeks I have heard this song on the radio and it made me cry every time that I heard it and at the end of the song I never knew who sang it until today.  Cobie Caillat sings it, so I got home from work and got on YouTube and watched her video.  It was such a great video, with pictures of her and other people with no makeup on and just being yourself.  I wish I had the guts to go out of the house with no makeup on and just be happy with me, but I can't leave the house with out makeup on and most of the time I haven't been happy with being me lately and I wish I was happy to be Malinda Gold Sizemore.  My husband thinks I am the most wonderful woman in the world and that I am a great mom and wife and he loves me no matter what.  I know there is other people that feel that way about me to, so why don't I like myself all that much. Why do I keep putting myself down?  Why don't I like to look at myself in the mirror?  Why do I get upset over making the littlest mistake?  Why do I keep comparing myself to everyone else?  Why do I think everything is my fault?    Why am I so scared to call a counselor and ask for help? 

These are questions I keep asking myself over and over again and maybe I can answer some of those questions right here on my blog.  The why do I keep comparing myself to others, well I have always done this to myself ever since I was a teenager and I know I need to stop and I have to remember that everyone has talents even me.  It has been been hard for me to know what talents I have, but I can say that I am very well organized and I keep a Journal.  The why don't I like to look at myself in the mirror, well I wore glasses from the age of 4-16 and that was the first thing a lot of kids saw and they never wanted to really get to know me, some of them just made fun of me, but thank goodness I did have some friends that really cared about me.  Even though I haven't been in school for so long, it still hurts and I don't really like to look at myself in the mirror still and I am now 42 years old.  I think the reason that I am scared  to call a counselor is, I am supposed to be the strong one but it is okay if I am not.  I have to keep telling myself that.  I know that doesn't answer all of the questions, but its a start.  Well, here is the video of  "Try" by Cobie Caillat.  Please watch it.   I think I do need to Try to be nicer to myself and just love me, but that might take some more time.  I also need to stop worrying about what others think of me, it is not good for me, but sometimes I want everyone to like me, but I know that will never happen.  I just wish I knew the why people don't like me, but I guess I really need to get over that, but it is hard when I also worry about that.  So I want to thank everyone who loves me amd I also want to thank everyone who takes the time to read my blog, it means a lot to me.

My Grandma Gold would of been 99 today.

Today would of been my grandma Linnie Watson Parker Gold's 99th birthday, but she passed away on July 2, 2013.  She was such a wonderful woman, I loved her so much.  I am so thankful that I was able to spend her 98th birthday with her, with my husband, kids, my aunt Julie and Uncle Steve.  It was a great thing to see her on her birthday, not knowing that it would of been my last time to see her alive.  My husband, kids and I were at Hollywood Studios in Florida, when I learned that she had passed away and it broke my heart that she had died, but I know that I will see her again someday.

She was such a wonderful woman, I loved her so very much and so did a lot of other people.  When my family used to live next door to my grandparents in Sandy Utah when I was younger, I remember going to her house and always asking for a piece of cheddar cheese and still to this day I love cheddar cheese and I will eat other cheeses, but cheddar will always be my favorite.  She was also a wonderful cook and she always made sure we all got enough to eat and well I always ate to much.  She always sent birthday cards to everyone on there birthday and I always looked forward to her cards.  I know she is having a grand old time in heaven with her husband, (my grandpa) my brother Tyler, her parents, her inlaws, her grandparents and all the other relatives that have passed on.  Linnie Watson Parker Gold, you are missed by so many people and I hope that everyone that reads this knows what a great woman you were.  I love you Grandma Gold.

For Those Who Don't Know Me That Well, This Post Is For You.

I am a shy person, so that is probably why most people don't know me all that well and I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to get to know me, it means a lot.  Sometimes I have a hard time opening up to people and I am sorry about that.  When I was younger, I was made fun of a lot and that is probably why I don't open up to people, even as an adult this is still hard for me.  So with this post, I will tell you about myself.

1.  I was born in Mesa AZ
2.  I have lived in 10 houses and 5 states before was married.
3.  The only country I have been to is Tijuana Mexico. (to me that is a suburb of San Diego)
4.   I have never had a broken bone, but I have had stitches.
5.   I was named after my Great Grandma Malinda Helen Watson Parker.
6.   I don't have a middle name
7.   I didn't get my drivers license, until I was 18.
8.   I love Tinkerbell
9.   I would love to adopt someday, but I wish it wasn't so expensive.
10. My favorite color is Purple
11. I love corvettes
12. I like to collect dolls
13. I love movies
14. I love classic rock.( I do like other kinds of music too)
15. I love to ride roller coasters.
16. I love to eat chicken
17. I love to take pictures
18. I was 22 years old when I got married.
19. I would love to go to Hawaii someday.
20. I would love to go to Sweden someday.
21. I have been bungee jumping twice.
22. I met my husband at Southern Utah University.
23. I am originally from California
24. I don't like the Easter candy Peeps.
25. I don't like to eat olives.
26.  My favorite vacation spot is Dillon Colorado.
27.  I love Les Miserables
28.  I have only been to 4 concerts in my life: Mormon Tabernacle Choir, LeAnn Rimes, Alex Boye and Kenny Loggins.
29.   I love to play Tetris
30.   I love to build puzzles.
31.    I love the ocean.
32.   I love strawberries.
33.   I love to eat Cookies n' Cream ice cream.
34.   I love bears.
35.   I love Italian food.
36.  I don't like Mexican Food.
37.   I have had my tonsils out.
38.   I don't like to go shoe shopping.
39.   I love Tulips.
40.   I love amusement parks.   
41.   I love to eat at Jack in the Box.

I am Sorry

I am sorry that I haven't blogged in awhile, since writing about my brother Tyler.
I am sorry that I have been depressed lately.
I am sorry that sometimes I don't know what to do with my life anymore.
I am sorry that I haven't been the greatest friend.
I am sorry that I haven't being riding my bike lately.
I am sorry for being hard on myself.(almost everyone I know, has no idea)
I am sorry for being sad and crying almost every night.
I am sorry for not expressing my feelings to hardly anyone.
I am sorry for not having a baby around.
I am sorry for being a boring person.
I am sorry that I feel like most people don't want to be around me.(I wonder on this one a lot)
I am sorry for not finishing college.
I am sorry for comparing myself to others.
I am sorry for probably going to see a counselor again.
I am sorry for being shy.( I am not as bad as I used to be)
I am sorry for not loving myself.

 

I am writing this down mostly for me, but I am also writing it down for people that read my blog.  Like I said I haven't blogged, since I talked about my brother Tyler and I want to thank everyone who took the time to read what I wrote about him.  I Miss my brother so much, that it hurts a lot, but I usually keep it to myself.  There are so many things that I need to change about myself for the better and then maybe more people will want to hang out with me.

Thankful Thursday : My brother Tyler

I wanted to take this time to write about my brother Tyler, who passed away at the age of 32 on Friday Jan. 3.  He had Muscular Dystrophy his whole life, but that didn't stop him from reading his scriptures everyday, sending e-mails to family and friends and just being a friend to everyone he came in contact with. I have so many wonderful things to say about my brother, but I have a hard time writing in down into words, so please bare with me as I go on.   Even though, he was my little brother I looked up to him and he was my hero.  For the last few years or so, with all the e-mails he has sent me, he was always telling me that he loves me and that God loves me and that my family loves me.  I have always had a very hard time loving myself, since I was a teenager and one of my resolutions this year is to love myself and yes this one will be hard for me, but I really need to do this for my brother Tyler because I know he would want  me to do this.  His Christmas gifts to me now have a special meaning.  He gave me The BYU Women's Chorus "My God Is a Rock" and the talk on CD by S. Michael Wilcox "Seeing As God Sees."    The talk on CD, is basically talking about discovering the wonder of ourselves and others.  I haven't listened to it yet, but I will soon.  He loved music, so he loved to give me CD's and share his love of music with me.  The other thing he loved, was play games with family and friends.  His favorite board game to play was Scattergories and the night before he died, he asked me if I wanted to play a game and I picked his favorite game to play.  I am so grateful that I picked that game and that will always whole a special place in my heart..  He also loved to play video games, until he couldn't play anymore and then he loved to watch his nieces and nephews play and he also gave them tips to help them get farther in the game.  When we were younger, we loved to watch movies together, but sometimes it would take us forever to decide what movie we wanted to watch and after all these years I know why I have so many movies in my house.  That was one thing Tyler and I loved to do growing up and that will always hold a special place in my heart too.  The other day, I was trying to find letters and cards that he has sent me over the years and I did find some.  It was great to read over them, but it made me cry and that is okay.

He is my hero because he saw the good in everyone, he loved his parents, sisters, brother, nephews, nieces, extended family, grandparents and friends, he read his scriptures daily, he sang the hymns, (had them memorized) and he loved me.  He will be missed by everyone, but I know he is up in heaven running around, being with Grandpa & Grandma Allen, Grandpa and Grandma Gold and other family members and  also doing missionary work.  I love you Tyler.

                                                          

Thankful Thursday : Wedding Anniversary

This past Tuesday, my husband and I celebrated our 19th Wedding Anniversary.  Yes, we have had ups and downs, like most married couples do, but we have 3 amazing boys to go with the 19 years.  I am thankful for my husband and my boys, without them I don't know where I would be.  I never thought I would get married, well I never thought anyone would want to marry me and sometimes I wonder how Will has put up with me after all these years.  I still have a hard time, that a man actually loves me and wants to stay by me through everything.  Will is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love him more everyday.

The day was a pretty good day, my husband got home from work at 5:45 am and he made me and the boys breakfast.  He made French toast, bacon and hash browns.  It was a really good breakfast and he also did the dishes.  Then he went to bed, the boys went to school and I went to work.  We went for an early dinner at the Sizzler because Connor had scouts later and Ethan was going to play indoor soccer with some friends.  It was a really good dinner and I loved being there with Will.
Maybe next year for our 20th anniversary, we can actually go somewhere for a few days, which has never happened for an anniversary or any other time.  Here is to another 19+ years.






 



 

                                                               

 

                                                                   

 

 

 

Thankful Thursday : Compliments

Sometimes it is very hard for me to take a compliment from someone, but I am thankful for receiving them.  When I get a compliment, it tells me that people are actually noticing me and seeing what kind of person I am trying to be and have been trying to be for years, but sometimes I feel like no one notices me, of the things I do.  Anyway,  I received a really nice compliment from the principal a few weeks ago about how great a job I was doing and how some teachers were impressed with how organized I am and what a great job I was doing.  Wow, people actually notice me and I was about to cry, but I didn't.  In case no one knows what I do for my job, I am the Take Home Library person for Iron Springs Elementary, in other words I do all the book in the bags for the kids K-3.  It is nice to receive a compliment from anyone, don't you think.