Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile, but hey its not like many people read my blog anyway. I haven't been feeling very good about myself lately and so its been hard to live everyday sometimes, but I love my husband, kids, family and friends and so I live for them, cause I guess people do need me around, even though I don't thing I am that important. I have probably felt like this for years, because growing up I wore glasses from the ages of 4-16 and let me tell you people can be so mean sometimes and to this day it still hurts and it happened years ago. It is hard to talk about it sometimes and so most people don't know everything that I went through. I wish I stood up for myself, so maybe I wouldn't be feeling this way and that I would like myself more, which I don't right now. I just wish that I could let go of my past and forgive people who did make fun of me, but hey that would be a long list. Then if I could let go of all of this, then maybe I could move on with my life, which right now I just feel like I am a boring person and no one really wants to get to know me and be friends with me. I know I have friends, but sometimes I just struggle to make friends and to keep them. I guess I want everyone to like me and I know that won't always happen. I have had some people that I have known in my life, that didn't like me for no reason at all, well they would see my glasses and just run away.
I also have been feeling very overwhelmed lately about eveything going on in my life right now besides what I just wrote. I love my kids, I just wish that they didn't have to go through the things they have to go through now. Like Ethan and his diabetes, Zach with his Muscular Dystrophy and Mild Autism and then there is Connor, with his speech delay, but he is starting to talk more, which I am happy about. Then there is my husband, who I love with all my heart and I am grateful to have him in my life right now, cause with out him, who knows where I would be right now. I wish he had a job that he enjoyed more and well a job that he would get paid more too. But I am very grateful that he still has a job. I just feel bad that he is at this job still and well I kind of feel like its my fault, well I feel like most things going on in my life right now are my fault. I also tend to compare myself to others, which isn't really good to do at all and I have done that pretty much my whole life and I try not to do that, but people have done that to me, so I do it to myself.
I did go to my Stake Womens Conference on Saturday and that did uplift some and I am glad I went. I also went to a movie with one of my friends on Saturday night and that was a fun evening and I needed that. Then yesterday at church I was depressed and it was just hard being there, but I should be there for me. Sometimes I feel like no one wants me there and if I just left nobody would miss me and I did want to leave church early yesterday, but I stayed for all of the meetings. I have a hard time when babies are blessed and a baby girl was blessed yesterday and I usually leave the room when a baby girl is blessed, but Will said I should just stay and I did, but It was hard for me to do that, but I did it anyway. All wards are pretty much full of babies and I want a baby. My youngest is now 4, but with my back problems, and my kids health problems I shouldn't get pregnant again and I am very sad about that, cause I want a baby. So some of you know this, I have always wanted to adopt and I believe that is where I am suppose to get my daughter, but financially we probably will never be able to afford a baby, so who knows when or if we will ever be able to adopt a daughter. Then instead of having 5 people in the family, will be have 6 and that sounds like a good number.
If I might have offended anyone, I am sorry, I didn't mean to. These are just my struggles that I am dealing with and they might not be big to everyone, but they are big to me. I also want to thank the people that read and comment on my blog, I so appreciate it, it makes my day. :)
August 2022
4 years ago
7 comments:
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling sad. Don't be so hard on yourself! There are many people who love you and care about you, and you should try not to dwell on the past since it's the past, and that won't help you. But I know it's hard sometimes. Hang in there! And continue to be grateful for what you have. Love you!
Malinda,
Whew, you have been through a lot! I totally see how it would get so overwhelming to deal with all of this all the time. Only an amazing woman like yourself could do it! Just remember that. You are great. You can never know who you are inspiring just by being you. You may think that nobody would notice if you weren't there but believe me they would. Keep plugging away and finding things that you enjoy just for you. Have you ever read the book Enjoy the Journey? It helped me when I was feeling blah. Can't remember who it is by but I think you could find it at a church bookstore.
I agree with Sandra to not dwell in the past - just look forward to the future and Liz with finding things you continue to enjoy. I know you know what you need to do, and sometimes it feels like you are just treading water or going under, but keep your head held up high. when you are upbeat and positive it radiates to those you come in contact with. (as well as when you are depressed and down) so which would you rather convey about yourself? we all know you have had a hard time dealing with your life sometimes but you need to continue to dwell more on your blessings than your problems to help turn your view of your life around.
another good book is "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard" by Sheri Dew I have it if you would like to borrow it - it is a great book!
Even though I know we both get too busy to visit much, I still consider you a sweet friend of mine, you are always so considerate of what is going on in my life and sending birthday cards out .... that impresses me!
Here is a poem i wanted to share with you, because i consider you a dear friend.
FRIENDS
The best of friends can change a frown
into a smile when you feel down
The best of friends will understand
your little trials and lend a hand
The best of friends will always share
your secret dreams because they care
The best of friends worth more than gold
give all the love a heart can hold.
Jeff wolf
Love you Malinda!
I'm sorry too that you're feeling so sad. You have a beautiful family and a lot of people who love you. You also have a lot of challenges that a lot of people couldn't handle. But you do! And I know that Heavenly Father would not give you challenges if you were not strong enough for them. Hang in there -- we love you!
Malinda - I'm so impressed with your ability to deal with your kids and their needs! God knew what he was doing when he chose you to raise such special guys!
Forgiving the past wrongs... I think we all struggle with that sometimes - unfortunately we are imperfect people and grew up treating people like mere humans instead of like children of God...
What I'm fully enjoying is seeing the people that we've BECOME - the people who appreciate the strengths in one another and don't focus so much on outer appearances! (I used to purposely lose my glasses through those teenage years...)
You're awesome - your family is awesome - and you are loved!
Compared to eternity, this time we spend on earth is soooo short---only a small "moment" in the huge realm of eternity. SO---make the most of everyday! Forgive those that caused you pain in the past...most of those people probably feel horrible that they did those kinds of things, and would take it all back if they could.
Try not to think about things that make you sad. Find joy and happiness in little things throughout your day as you go about your life's "busy-ness". Do things for YOU (like taking baths, reading books, blogging!, photography, exercise, watching good movies, etc.) AND do things for others. Serving others brings us joy that we didn't know possible.
It takes a VERY strong women to be a mother...and an even stronger mother to children who struggle with health issues. Love will take you far in this life! It already has!!
Have a great week!!
Malinda,
We have talked about this some. I truely understand what you are going through. At least what you said rings several bells in my head. I got to the point where I would just wish I would disappear. You have 3 beautiful children and a wonderful husband. You have been truely blest. I know this won't help right now. I am glad you have someone to talk to and I hope that if necessary you will look at taking medication. It has helped me tremendously. I truely am a better person because of it. It isn't a magic happy pill, it it doesn't make everything magically wonderful, but I no longer wish I would be hit by a bus or fall and hit my head on a rock. I am glad I am alive and I am glad I have you as a friend. Know I am here for you and I understand more than you probably know.
Mar
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