Sorry that I haven't blogged for months, but sometimes I have a hard time of knowing what to say on my blog and that is one of the biggest reasons why I haven't blogged for awhile. My life isn't that busy right now, which is okay. I get to stressed out if it is too busy, so I try to keep it low key for now. There is probably one thing that I have wanted to write about for awhile now and I think I am ready to talk about it. I would like to know, why people make fun of others and why people just hate other people for no reason at all. This has happened to me pretty much my whole life and that is why I don't like myself all that much and I try to like myself, but what's so good about me. I wore glasses from ages 4-16 and let me tell you I didn't like wearing them, but I did or I wouldn't be able to see well. A lot of people made fun of me because I wore glasses and sometimes people would see me and just walk away and not really bother to talk to me. From 12 1/2 to 16 years of age I lived in a town called Simi Valley, CA and those were some of the hardest years for me. Being a teenager was part of it, but the other part was being made fun of. People at school did it and so did people at church. I also knew people were talking about me behind my back, I could just tell that they were. Yes, I did have some friends and I knew the ones that cared about me because they liked me for me and they didn't care that I wore glasses. I haven't had to wear glasses for a very long time, but why do I still care about what people think of me. I am friends with some of them on face book and for me it is a good thing. I can tell, which ones care for me and which ones don't, so I am thinking of not being friends with those people on face book anymore. Maybe that would help me, but I don't know. I have looked through some of my journals from when I lived in Simi and all I can say is I did have some happy memories from there, but other memories weren't very happy. Some people were really mean to me and I seemed to believe everything people told me and I can't believe I was that way. I just shake my head every time I read that in my journals.
I am almost 39 years old and I have moved on in a way, but in another way I haven't. It does still hurt, of what kids put me through back then, but it was over 20 years ago. Then I was so happy , when I didn't have to wear glasses anymore. I took the eye exam for Driver's ED in 10TH grade and I couldn't see with my glasses on, but with them off I saw perfectly fine. Then we moved about a month or 2 after that to Ramona CA and I was so happy to move. I had a chance to start all over, where nobody knew my past or that I wore glasses, but I was wrong. I had kids still make fun of me one way or another and it took me alittle while to really make friends, but I eventually did. Some days were harder than others, where I just wanted to stay in my room for a very long time and yes I even thought about killing myself. I had a hard time talking to people, even my own family and to this day I still have a hard time talking about my feelings to anyone, even my husband and kids. I have a hard time sorting out in my head of what I want to say, that is why I ramble sometimes. Even to this day, I still have a hard time making friends and I don't know why. Maybe it is because I am not skinny anymore (used to be a size 7 before kids) or I am older than them or I don't have a baby. I don't know what it is. Maybe I should stop wondering why.
I think I am an okay person, well I try to be anyway. I love movies, you should see our collection, if you haven't yet. I love to collect dolls, love care bears, love to get magnets from the Quilted Bear, you should see my fridge, love strawberries, love my kids, love to watch many TV shows, I write in my journal and I started it when I was 11, love my family, love my husband, love the friends I have and I know I need to be a better friend to some of them and I am sorry for that. I don't like Twilight at all, but I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, love going to the beach, love to take pictures for fun and I even got one published years ago, been Bungee Jumping Twice, many years ago before I met my husband, don't like camping all that much, like to ride my bike, love to drive and the radio has to be on, love Classic Rock and some of that music, I didn't really listen to until I met my husband, love to decorate the house and keep the house clean and my kids are pretty good about keeping it that way and so is my husband, Dr. Pepper is the only soda that I will drink, love to go to church, for the past 2 years or so I have given baby outfit's to everyone that has had a baby in my ward and more babies will be born in the next few months and if I forgot anyone, I am sorry; love to dance and well I could go on and on. So I guess I am an okay person, I really am and I do love life, even though life is hard and we all have trials to go through. I have been through many and yes I am okay. I just have a hard time believing in myself and that I am of worth because of what people did to me back then and it is hard to write about it, but I had to get it out, even though it took over 20 years to do so. If for any reason I offended anyone, I am truly sorry.
8 comments:
Malinda, Chin up hon, I know what you are going through. If you need to talk, I'm here.
Thanks Jennifer, that means a lot.
I feel bad that you had some sad years growing up. I think it is hard to leave the past behind. Getting ready for my 40th class reunion takes me back to that time in my life......the popularity tiers and remembering just trying to fly under the radar and fit in. Look what you have now ----- a loving husband and handsome sons. I have learned in life that that saying that your family will in the long run be your best friends is so true. Besides family, I have one true friend. ONE. I have other friends, but this one has stood by me thick and thin and supports me & forgives me when I cross our friendship boundaries. I'm glad you are looking for the good in yourself. I think more than anything you have to be good friends with yourself. No one can make you feel better about yourself than you. You are such a good, kind and caring person. Just believe in yourself. Maybe you should write letters to those that hurt you so badly and tell them how to this day it made you feel. I bet they have no idea the long-term impact it has had on you. It especially makes me feel bad when I see kids at church treating each other unkindly. There is no place for that in Christ's church. I just wanted to take the time to let you know I value the time we became vt partners and friends. It was so nice of you to come to Ry's reception. You really are such an awesome friend!
Malinda, first I want to say that your post was far from offensive, I admire that you can put your feelings out there like that, it shows your true strength. I also love that you put on your post the things you love and value, like your husband and family, movies, and carebears ;) what's not to love about those guys, they're adorable!!!! But as I have read some of your posts and blogs, my heart breaks a little and I have hesitated to respond, but I can't any longer, you need to know what I have learned throught my MANY trials, as this recent one has not been my first. The Lord LOVES you, you are his precious, beloved daughter, and he does NOT make mistakes, EVER! You are his beautiful, perfect creation, never forget that!
As for all the negative influences in the world..... that is satan trying to pull you down, he doesn't want you to be happy, that would mean you would reach your full potential as a child of God. Ignore those people or negative thoughts! It is satan! I beg you to put them out of you mind and become more positive. Every day when you write in your journal, end it with 5 things you are grateful for, it will change the way you look at the world, I promise. Malinda, I love you, so many people do, but most importantly your Father in Heaven Loves you he wants you to be happy so please try to ignore those negatives and seek out the positive. I hope I have not offended you, I want to help and see you smile. :)
It takes a very strong person to put this all out there, you're one tough chick - THAT is something you can believe.
It took me a long time to realize that those who tease and make fun - are usually doing it to cover up some of their own insecurities. a LONG time...
and of course you're an okay person, you're better than okay - God created you with a divine potential - one that you are aware of and striving for. Knowing who you are makes you one step ahead of those who persist in name-calling and being judgmental.
Teenage years? SO much I'd change, but you couldn't convince me to do them over for any amount of money... we're all too wrapped up in "self" to see the measure of creation in others - thank goodness for maturing and a wider perspective!
a friend of a friend just created a new group on facebook... with a lot of bullying/teasing survival stories, it's a little sad, but a lot inspirational and insightful about how people have come through this, how they let themselves believe the lies in the first place, and how they are trying to support each other now.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-Survived-the-Mean-Girls/193197557398603
It is a-not-good-kind-of-amazing just how long-lasting the effects are from being treated poorly... I am glad you've been able to move on to the extent you have. I've had a lot of forgiving to do for the way I was treated as a pre-adult, and I know I'm not finished yet. I would dare say that what you went through has helped you to develop your kind spirit more than easy years would have, but I realize that may be rather small consolation for the pain you've endured because of how you were treated then. It all makes me even more grateful for a Heavenly Father and a Savior who are both just and merciful. And I've gotta agree with TisforTonya -- you ARE one tough chick, with a heart of gold.
Wow. I'm sorry you've struggled so much!
First of all, you should try listening to The Monkees, if you haven't before. They're my favorite. :)
Secondly, when you made the comment about not being skinny, I thought, "What is she talking about?"
Third, they say we react to our life's trauma at the age we had it, so because I had a bad experience with an earwig when I was 8 (just a close encounter before I knew what one was), I still react to them emotionally like I did when I was 8, even though I rationally know there is no reason to. It's tough to overcome those kinds of things.
Also, I learned when I went through major depression that we believe what we tell ourselves. So, when I was depressed, and I would say I was a loser because I didn't get the house clean one day (or whatever it was that made me feel like a loser), my brain believed the thought. I told myself things like that so often, that I eventually paralyzed myself. I had to reverse it. I remember it being an excruciating process; I'd look in the mirror and tell myself I was great because I got dressed that day (which was a big accomplishment at the time, honestly). I felt like an idiot saying things like that... "I'm great!" But, I kept doing it, especially when I'd catch myself self-criticizing. One day I realized I was believing the good more than the bad.
Hey, if I've ever made you feel bad, I'm sorry. Just thought I'd stick that in there.
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