Soccer and Stuff

Wow, it's March already. Where has the time gone? Can't believe, I haven't written on my blog since Oct., well actually I can. I am on Facebook quite a lot these days and I am mostly playing a few games on there and seeing if I have any messages and what people are up too. I guess there is a lot I can write about, especially about my kids or what I have been up too. One thing I will say, my 15 year old son made the high school soccer team. Most everyone knows about that, especially if you are on Facebook because I told everyone on there. He will be on the JV team, since he is a freshmen and he is goalie. I think one of the harder positions on the soccer team. I also think he is really good. He started playing when he was 5 years old and he just loves playing soccer. His first game is on Tuesday. I am excited to see him play on the high school team this year and I hope to go to all of his home games. I might be able to go to some of his away games, but not that many at all. I guess we will see what happens, this is all new to me.

I am still struggling with somethings right now and most people have no idea because I don't talk about them much. I have written about some of them on here. My self esteem hasn't been good at all for a number of years and even at the age of 39, I still have issues with it. Maybe if I wasn't made fun growing up, that my self esteem would be really good and I would love myself, but I don't love myself at all. The thing that gets to me still, is no one said, "I'm Sorry." Even after all these years one of those would be great. I try so hard not to compare myself with other people, but I am so used to doing it that I don't know how to stop. I have so many talented people in my ward and in my family, I feel invisible. I feel like I can't compare to this, I feel like I am dying inside and that I don't know if anyone can help me. I am not a crafty person, I don't have a baby(most likely never will), I don't get that many phone calls, no one really asks me to help with things, I don't get invited to that many things, but I do try to have movie night at my house sometimes and sorry I can't invite every one. Plus, I have a 15 year old and most of my ward have young kids. I do love my ward I really do, but I feel misplaced some of the time because I feel like a minority. Like I said before, I don't talk about things going on in my life all that much, I guess I am afraid to open up to people because I think they will not want to be my friend anymore. I try not to offend anyone and if I did I am really sorry. Just had to get these things off of my chest, which have been waiting there for awhile and I do feel a little better. Thank-You to all who read my blog, which I know aren't that many at all.

Yep, it's me.

Well, it's been awhile again so here goes nothing. Kids are back in school, well have been since August. Ethan is a freshmen in high school, Zach is in 4TH and Connor is in 1ST. Hard to believe that my oldest is in high school. Most people have told me you don't look old enough to have a kid in high school. Yes, that is true, but I turned 39 this Summer. My husband

is still working at a place he has worked for over 15 years and hard to believe he has been there that long.

As for me, I am working again. I haven't worked outside the home, since I was pregnant with my oldest, which was over 15 years ago. I only work part time and I work at an elementary school, different than my kids. I enjoy working there and the people I work with and the kids are great. It's great because I work the times my kids are in school. This job gives me something to do outside the home and I think I am doing a good job. My husband says he is proud of me, so that is nice to hear. For me, its just nice to be noticed. I have been married for almost 17 years and still after all these years I find it hard to believe that I have someone love me so much. I never thought this would ever happen to me, but it has.

Another thing I want to talk about is a having a baby. Some people know about this because I have written about it a few times on my blog and I know not many people read my blog. I really want one, but I always remember my high risk pregnancy, having another boy that would have Muscular Dystrophy, just like my 9 year old and well I am getting older and my youngest is almost 7 years old. If I had the money, who knows if that would ever happen especially where my husband works. Some people know that I have always wanted to adopt and I am thinking maybe that is where I am suppose to get my little girl, but who knows if that will happen. One thing that helps me deal with this, is I give a baby outfit to all the babies that are born in my ward, which let me tell you is a lot. Even if I don't know them very well, I still give them an outfit. Hey, who doesn't like little baby outfits. I love them. Until, next time.

They Keep Moving Away

I feel sad again, another good friend of mine is leaving this town next month and I don't know what to do about it. This makes 5 really good friends have moved in the past 2 years and I just feel alone. Thankgoodness, I saw one of them this past Saturday and another 1 back in May. That helped a lot. I don't make friends very easily, it has been this way forever. It doesn't matter how old you are, everyone needs friends. I know I haven't been a great friend to some people and I feel bad about that. I just have a hard time opening up to people, I am afraid to getting hurt again. I guess I am also afraid of how people think of me and well I shouldn't worry about this, but I do, for people have talked about me behind my back and so I always think everyone does this. I know it has been years, since I was a teenager and I already talked about this in my last blog entry, so I won't go into that. I want to tell my friends, who live near and far, I Love You. Even though we might not talk often, you are all the best.

The other thing, is I wish I was moving too because I feel trapped here. Let me explain. Yes, this is a great place to live, but a hard place to make a living. I really feel blessed, but I wish we lived closer to more family and better medical facilities. Maybe someday we can do this, but who knows when that will be. For now, my kids are very happy here, we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, and my husband has a job, so that is all that matters.

Okay, here it goes.

Sorry that I haven't blogged for months, but sometimes I have a hard time of knowing what to say on my blog and that is one of the biggest reasons why I haven't blogged for awhile. My life isn't that busy right now, which is okay. I get to stressed out if it is too busy, so I try to keep it low key for now. There is probably one thing that I have wanted to write about for awhile now and I think I am ready to talk about it. I would like to know, why people make fun of others and why people just hate other people for no reason at all. This has happened to me pretty much my whole life and that is why I don't like myself all that much and I try to like myself, but what's so good about me. I wore glasses from ages 4-16 and let me tell you I didn't like wearing them, but I did or I wouldn't be able to see well. A lot of people made fun of me because I wore glasses and sometimes people would see me and just walk away and not really bother to talk to me. From 12 1/2 to 16 years of age I lived in a town called Simi Valley, CA and those were some of the hardest years for me. Being a teenager was part of it, but the other part was being made fun of. People at school did it and so did people at church. I also knew people were talking about me behind my back, I could just tell that they were. Yes, I did have some friends and I knew the ones that cared about me because they liked me for me and they didn't care that I wore glasses. I haven't had to wear glasses for a very long time, but why do I still care about what people think of me. I am friends with some of them on face book and for me it is a good thing. I can tell, which ones care for me and which ones don't, so I am thinking of not being friends with those people on face book anymore. Maybe that would help me, but I don't know. I have looked through some of my journals from when I lived in Simi and all I can say is I did have some happy memories from there, but other memories weren't very happy. Some people were really mean to me and I seemed to believe everything people told me and I can't believe I was that way. I just shake my head every time I read that in my journals.

I am almost 39 years old and I have moved on in a way, but in another way I haven't. It does still hurt, of what kids put me through back then, but it was over 20 years ago. Then I was so happy , when I didn't have to wear glasses anymore. I took the eye exam for Driver's ED in 10TH grade and I couldn't see with my glasses on, but with them off I saw perfectly fine. Then we moved about a month or 2 after that to Ramona CA and I was so happy to move. I had a chance to start all over, where nobody knew my past or that I wore glasses, but I was wrong. I had kids still make fun of me one way or another and it took me alittle while to really make friends, but I eventually did. Some days were harder than others, where I just wanted to stay in my room for a very long time and yes I even thought about killing myself. I had a hard time talking to people, even my own family and to this day I still have a hard time talking about my feelings to anyone, even my husband and kids. I have a hard time sorting out in my head of what I want to say, that is why I ramble sometimes. Even to this day, I still have a hard time making friends and I don't know why. Maybe it is because I am not skinny anymore (used to be a size 7 before kids) or I am older than them or I don't have a baby. I don't know what it is. Maybe I should stop wondering why.

I think I am an okay person, well I try to be anyway. I love movies, you should see our collection, if you haven't yet. I love to collect dolls, love care bears, love to get magnets from the Quilted Bear, you should see my fridge, love strawberries, love my kids, love to watch many TV shows, I write in my journal and I started it when I was 11, love my family, love my husband, love the friends I have and I know I need to be a better friend to some of them and I am sorry for that. I don't like Twilight at all, but I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, love going to the beach, love to take pictures for fun and I even got one published years ago, been Bungee Jumping Twice, many years ago before I met my husband, don't like camping all that much, like to ride my bike, love to drive and the radio has to be on, love Classic Rock and some of that music, I didn't really listen to until I met my husband, love to decorate the house and keep the house clean and my kids are pretty good about keeping it that way and so is my husband, Dr. Pepper is the only soda that I will drink, love to go to church, for the past 2 years or so I have given baby outfit's to everyone that has had a baby in my ward and more babies will be born in the next few months and if I forgot anyone, I am sorry; love to dance and well I could go on and on. So I guess I am an okay person, I really am and I do love life, even though life is hard and we all have trials to go through. I have been through many and yes I am okay. I just have a hard time believing in myself and that I am of worth because of what people did to me back then and it is hard to write about it, but I had to get it out, even though it took over 20 years to do so. If for any reason I offended anyone, I am truly sorry.

Let's See.....

Up at Duck Creek after seeing a Parade of Home

A very cute picture of Zach and Connor on Connor's first day of Kindergarten.

Zach in the hospital after getting his casts on.

I don't have much to blog about right now and I am sorry that I haven't been much of a blogger, but hey not many people read my blog, so I guess it doesn't matter. I guess I will talk about what has been going on with me and my family. The kids started school last month and Connor is now in Kindergarten. Zach is in 3rd grade and Ethan is in 8th grade. Where has the time gone. The kids are enjoying school so far, so that is good. Connor is so happy to be able to ride the bus with Zach in the morning and the district car brings him home, which helps for Connor. Before school started, Zach got some casts on his legs and I feel bad that I never blogged about it, but oh well. He has had them on for 6 weeks and he gets them off next week and we are all excited about that. Everytime he gets a bath, we wrap his casts in plastic wrap and put a small chair in the tub and have him sit in it and have his legs hang over the edge of the tub and it works, but man he is more heavy with his casts on. It doesn't help me to have to carry him, because of my back and yes it still hurts here and there. I am still seeing a Chiropractor and I love her, she has become such a good friend.

I will talk about my husband now and he is doing okay. His job is going okay for him and we are very grateful he has a job right now, but sometimes I would like to work, so I could bring some money in, but I don't have that many skills and I don't have a college degree, but maybe someday I will. I have applied for a few jobs, but I haven't even had a phone call for an interview and that hurts. Maybe I am not filling out the application right or not saying the right thing on it or probably I don't have the skills for it, which is probably the case. Anyway, Will still loves to run and read and watch Shark Week.

As for me, I guess I am okay, but somedays are better than others. I was able to talk to a really good friend today and that so helped because she feels the same way I do in somethings, but I will not go into it because this is not the place for that. Anyway, I still love riding my bike, even though I haven't done it much for almost 2 months, until yesterday. I rode for 10.15 miles and so I am happy about that, even though I did want to quit at times because it was alittle windy. Will tried to go with me, I think last week, but once again he had a flat tire on his bike that he got from Walmart awhile ago and he has know why this keeps happening. He needs a much better bike, but that won't happen for awhile. Ethan also would love another bike because the bike he has is a heavy one, but who knows when he will get another one. Right now in my life, I am trying to figure out what to do with it. I seem to be on facebook way to much and I am trying to figure out why I am, maybe to see what friends are doing or chat with them or see if anyone has sent me a message. They is so much going on in my head right now, that I have a hard time figuring out how to word things, so I tend to ramble when this happens or I am nervous for some reason. It's getting late, so I better go for now. Until next time, which I hope is not to long of a wait.

Dillon CO and getting stitches.

Dillon CO, isn't it beautiful.

I am finally updated my blog with our trip to Dillon CO. We left on Friday July 16, 2010 and we

got there later that day. My brother Tim and his family were also there and they traveled from

CA. It was so nice to see them, since we haven't seen them, since Christmas. My sister Amy and

her family were also there and they didn't have to travel to far, only about an hour. Saturday, all

of us spent sometime together in Keystone CO. We did some paddle boats and just were

together having some fun. Earlier that morning, I went on a bike ride and it was so beautiful, I

am so glad that I brought my bike. Sunday, we celebrated 2 of my nieces birthdays and that

was lots of fun. My sister and her family left Sunday evening to go back home. The rest of the

week, my family did various activities with my brother and his family or by ourselves. We went

to Breckenridge CO to do the Alpine Slide and a few other things up there and that was lots of

fun. We also did shopping, go to the park and most of us went swimming, except for Ethan who

couldn't, since he cut his finger 5 days before we left and he had to get 4 stitches for that, but his

finger is okay now. The day before we left, we decided to go somewhere that we have never

been before and that is Copper Mountain, which is about 10 miles from Dillon. It wasn't that

crowd either, so that was a plus. We did go karts, bumper boats, some shopping, and Ethan and

Connor did the bouncing trampoline. They have a few other things there, but we didn't do them.

The next time we go to Dillon, we are going back to Copper Mountain because we all loved it

there. We left for Cedar City on Friday July 23 and I guess it was good to be home, but I wished

we could of stayed longer. Dillon Co is one of my favorite vacation spots, well it is one of my only

vacation spots, unless you count going home to CA once a year a vacation spot, which I guess it

is. Enjoy the pictures.

He hates to have his picture taken.

My nieces Katie and Laura. My nephew Tyler.

My niece Autumn

Close Up picture of Connor

I had to take this picture, since a Corvette is my favorite car. This is a 1963 Corvette.

These next pictures I took, while I went on a bike ride from

Dillon to Frisco and then back to Dillon. It was so beautiful.

Connor just hanging around.

Ethan with his cousin Tyler.

My nieces Emma and Leah.

Me with my brother Tim and sister Amy.

We celebrated 2 of my nieces birthdays.

Ethan riding a go cart in Copper Mountain.

Some more beautiful pictures.

Cute picture of Ethan and Zach.

Connor doing the Bouncing Trampoline

Ethan doing the bouncing trampoline.

In case anyone is wondering of how Ethan cut his finger, I guess I will tell you here. It was a

Sunday evening (why is it that he always seems to have to go to the ER on a Sunday) and he

wanted to fix his nerf gun for it to shoot faster and to do that he needed to take a part out ot the

nerf gun. He watched a video online to show him how to do it and it told him to get a box cutter

because it is sharper to cut things with. He asked for it and well Will and I let him and we should

of watched him, but he is 13 years old and we thought he would be okay, but he is still a

teenager. A few minutes later, he went into the bathroom bleeding and trying to stop the

bleeding, which it wasn't and we tried to stop the bleeding too, but of course it wasn't working. I

ended up taking Ethan to the ER and we were there for about 2 hours or it might of been longer

than that, I can't remember. He ended up getting 4 stitches in one of his fingers on his left hand.

Ethan now says he will never do that again, which is good because just for going to the ER and

getting stitches was expensive and our insurance only paid some of it. At least he didn't break a

bone because that would of costed more and that is what he did when he was in the 1st grade

and this was also on a Sunday. He jumped from a swing at a neighbor's house and landed on his

arm wrong and he ended up breaking his arm. That is another story.

I FINISHED

And I am off

I Finished My First Bike Race

You are probably wondering why I haven't posted anything about my bike race, well I am now. I got up at 5:20 am and it wasn't that hard. I was excited and nervous all at once. I got ready for my bike race and then I got everyone up and yes everyone was tired, including me. We left Cathie's house(Will's moms cousin) at 6:30 am and we knew where we were going because we drove by it, the day before and it was nice driving that early in the morning because no crazy drivers were out on the road yet. We got there at about 7 am and the race didn't start until 7:30 am, so I had time. I signed in and I got my bag of stuff. My t-shirt, water bottle and some coupons. I then got my bike out of the car and I then had time to got to the restroom and Will took some pictures of me and the boys. He also took some pictures of me leaving with everyone else.

I was off and I was feeling pretty good, until I got to the first little hill and it wasn't that big either, but I made it with out stopping, so that is good. Many people passed me, but that is okay. I was going at my own pace. I was pretty much by myself the whole time, but that is okay. I came to the first rest stop and I was doing well. I ate some watermelon and a granola bar and drank some more water of course. Then I was off again and I was okay for the most part. But then I lost it, I started crying and wondering why I entered the race to begin with and that no one has really been proud of me in my whole life and I kept stopping and getting drinking lots of water. Then I told myself, that I was going to finish this race, no matter how long it took me and so I started riding my bike again. I then kept saying "Please give me strength" and then I got to to the next rest stop. They only had water, so I filled up my water bottle. I then was off the biggest hill they had in the race, but I couldn't make it up that hill, so I had to walk my bike up the hill and I wasn't the only one who had to do that. I probably walked it about maybe 3/4 of a mile, I think and then I was able to get back on my bike and ride down the hill. I saw the photographer taking pictures at the bottom of this hill and I thought that was cool. The race was well marked, which was good.

I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel, when I knew the race was almost over and so I was happy about that. I got to the park and I was looking for the finish line, but I couldn't find it and I was wondering if I missed it somewhere along the way to the park. Then I heard Will calling my name and I was so happy to see him. He told me he got worried because the finish line people started packing up and then left and I wasn't back yet. He was wondering if something bad might have happened to me and that I was hurt off the side of a road somewhere. Well, I was okay and I finished the race in 3 1/2 hours and yes I was the last to arrive, but I heard some people didn't even finish the race. I finished the race, all 25 miles of it and yes I wanted to quit so many times during the race, but I had to finish it for me. I have never done anything like this before in my life and I just wanted to know if I could do something like this. I can do something like this and I will do another bike race, but I just don't know when that will be. Anyone want to join me in my next bike race? Just let me know.