They Keep Moving Away

I feel sad again, another good friend of mine is leaving this town next month and I don't know what to do about it. This makes 5 really good friends have moved in the past 2 years and I just feel alone. Thankgoodness, I saw one of them this past Saturday and another 1 back in May. That helped a lot. I don't make friends very easily, it has been this way forever. It doesn't matter how old you are, everyone needs friends. I know I haven't been a great friend to some people and I feel bad about that. I just have a hard time opening up to people, I am afraid to getting hurt again. I guess I am also afraid of how people think of me and well I shouldn't worry about this, but I do, for people have talked about me behind my back and so I always think everyone does this. I know it has been years, since I was a teenager and I already talked about this in my last blog entry, so I won't go into that. I want to tell my friends, who live near and far, I Love You. Even though we might not talk often, you are all the best.

The other thing, is I wish I was moving too because I feel trapped here. Let me explain. Yes, this is a great place to live, but a hard place to make a living. I really feel blessed, but I wish we lived closer to more family and better medical facilities. Maybe someday we can do this, but who knows when that will be. For now, my kids are very happy here, we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, and my husband has a job, so that is all that matters.

Okay, here it goes.

Sorry that I haven't blogged for months, but sometimes I have a hard time of knowing what to say on my blog and that is one of the biggest reasons why I haven't blogged for awhile. My life isn't that busy right now, which is okay. I get to stressed out if it is too busy, so I try to keep it low key for now. There is probably one thing that I have wanted to write about for awhile now and I think I am ready to talk about it. I would like to know, why people make fun of others and why people just hate other people for no reason at all. This has happened to me pretty much my whole life and that is why I don't like myself all that much and I try to like myself, but what's so good about me. I wore glasses from ages 4-16 and let me tell you I didn't like wearing them, but I did or I wouldn't be able to see well. A lot of people made fun of me because I wore glasses and sometimes people would see me and just walk away and not really bother to talk to me. From 12 1/2 to 16 years of age I lived in a town called Simi Valley, CA and those were some of the hardest years for me. Being a teenager was part of it, but the other part was being made fun of. People at school did it and so did people at church. I also knew people were talking about me behind my back, I could just tell that they were. Yes, I did have some friends and I knew the ones that cared about me because they liked me for me and they didn't care that I wore glasses. I haven't had to wear glasses for a very long time, but why do I still care about what people think of me. I am friends with some of them on face book and for me it is a good thing. I can tell, which ones care for me and which ones don't, so I am thinking of not being friends with those people on face book anymore. Maybe that would help me, but I don't know. I have looked through some of my journals from when I lived in Simi and all I can say is I did have some happy memories from there, but other memories weren't very happy. Some people were really mean to me and I seemed to believe everything people told me and I can't believe I was that way. I just shake my head every time I read that in my journals.

I am almost 39 years old and I have moved on in a way, but in another way I haven't. It does still hurt, of what kids put me through back then, but it was over 20 years ago. Then I was so happy , when I didn't have to wear glasses anymore. I took the eye exam for Driver's ED in 10TH grade and I couldn't see with my glasses on, but with them off I saw perfectly fine. Then we moved about a month or 2 after that to Ramona CA and I was so happy to move. I had a chance to start all over, where nobody knew my past or that I wore glasses, but I was wrong. I had kids still make fun of me one way or another and it took me alittle while to really make friends, but I eventually did. Some days were harder than others, where I just wanted to stay in my room for a very long time and yes I even thought about killing myself. I had a hard time talking to people, even my own family and to this day I still have a hard time talking about my feelings to anyone, even my husband and kids. I have a hard time sorting out in my head of what I want to say, that is why I ramble sometimes. Even to this day, I still have a hard time making friends and I don't know why. Maybe it is because I am not skinny anymore (used to be a size 7 before kids) or I am older than them or I don't have a baby. I don't know what it is. Maybe I should stop wondering why.

I think I am an okay person, well I try to be anyway. I love movies, you should see our collection, if you haven't yet. I love to collect dolls, love care bears, love to get magnets from the Quilted Bear, you should see my fridge, love strawberries, love my kids, love to watch many TV shows, I write in my journal and I started it when I was 11, love my family, love my husband, love the friends I have and I know I need to be a better friend to some of them and I am sorry for that. I don't like Twilight at all, but I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, love going to the beach, love to take pictures for fun and I even got one published years ago, been Bungee Jumping Twice, many years ago before I met my husband, don't like camping all that much, like to ride my bike, love to drive and the radio has to be on, love Classic Rock and some of that music, I didn't really listen to until I met my husband, love to decorate the house and keep the house clean and my kids are pretty good about keeping it that way and so is my husband, Dr. Pepper is the only soda that I will drink, love to go to church, for the past 2 years or so I have given baby outfit's to everyone that has had a baby in my ward and more babies will be born in the next few months and if I forgot anyone, I am sorry; love to dance and well I could go on and on. So I guess I am an okay person, I really am and I do love life, even though life is hard and we all have trials to go through. I have been through many and yes I am okay. I just have a hard time believing in myself and that I am of worth because of what people did to me back then and it is hard to write about it, but I had to get it out, even though it took over 20 years to do so. If for any reason I offended anyone, I am truly sorry.

Let's See.....

Up at Duck Creek after seeing a Parade of Home

A very cute picture of Zach and Connor on Connor's first day of Kindergarten.

Zach in the hospital after getting his casts on.

I don't have much to blog about right now and I am sorry that I haven't been much of a blogger, but hey not many people read my blog, so I guess it doesn't matter. I guess I will talk about what has been going on with me and my family. The kids started school last month and Connor is now in Kindergarten. Zach is in 3rd grade and Ethan is in 8th grade. Where has the time gone. The kids are enjoying school so far, so that is good. Connor is so happy to be able to ride the bus with Zach in the morning and the district car brings him home, which helps for Connor. Before school started, Zach got some casts on his legs and I feel bad that I never blogged about it, but oh well. He has had them on for 6 weeks and he gets them off next week and we are all excited about that. Everytime he gets a bath, we wrap his casts in plastic wrap and put a small chair in the tub and have him sit in it and have his legs hang over the edge of the tub and it works, but man he is more heavy with his casts on. It doesn't help me to have to carry him, because of my back and yes it still hurts here and there. I am still seeing a Chiropractor and I love her, she has become such a good friend.

I will talk about my husband now and he is doing okay. His job is going okay for him and we are very grateful he has a job right now, but sometimes I would like to work, so I could bring some money in, but I don't have that many skills and I don't have a college degree, but maybe someday I will. I have applied for a few jobs, but I haven't even had a phone call for an interview and that hurts. Maybe I am not filling out the application right or not saying the right thing on it or probably I don't have the skills for it, which is probably the case. Anyway, Will still loves to run and read and watch Shark Week.

As for me, I guess I am okay, but somedays are better than others. I was able to talk to a really good friend today and that so helped because she feels the same way I do in somethings, but I will not go into it because this is not the place for that. Anyway, I still love riding my bike, even though I haven't done it much for almost 2 months, until yesterday. I rode for 10.15 miles and so I am happy about that, even though I did want to quit at times because it was alittle windy. Will tried to go with me, I think last week, but once again he had a flat tire on his bike that he got from Walmart awhile ago and he has know why this keeps happening. He needs a much better bike, but that won't happen for awhile. Ethan also would love another bike because the bike he has is a heavy one, but who knows when he will get another one. Right now in my life, I am trying to figure out what to do with it. I seem to be on facebook way to much and I am trying to figure out why I am, maybe to see what friends are doing or chat with them or see if anyone has sent me a message. They is so much going on in my head right now, that I have a hard time figuring out how to word things, so I tend to ramble when this happens or I am nervous for some reason. It's getting late, so I better go for now. Until next time, which I hope is not to long of a wait.

Dillon CO and getting stitches.

Dillon CO, isn't it beautiful.

I am finally updated my blog with our trip to Dillon CO. We left on Friday July 16, 2010 and we

got there later that day. My brother Tim and his family were also there and they traveled from

CA. It was so nice to see them, since we haven't seen them, since Christmas. My sister Amy and

her family were also there and they didn't have to travel to far, only about an hour. Saturday, all

of us spent sometime together in Keystone CO. We did some paddle boats and just were

together having some fun. Earlier that morning, I went on a bike ride and it was so beautiful, I

am so glad that I brought my bike. Sunday, we celebrated 2 of my nieces birthdays and that

was lots of fun. My sister and her family left Sunday evening to go back home. The rest of the

week, my family did various activities with my brother and his family or by ourselves. We went

to Breckenridge CO to do the Alpine Slide and a few other things up there and that was lots of

fun. We also did shopping, go to the park and most of us went swimming, except for Ethan who

couldn't, since he cut his finger 5 days before we left and he had to get 4 stitches for that, but his

finger is okay now. The day before we left, we decided to go somewhere that we have never

been before and that is Copper Mountain, which is about 10 miles from Dillon. It wasn't that

crowd either, so that was a plus. We did go karts, bumper boats, some shopping, and Ethan and

Connor did the bouncing trampoline. They have a few other things there, but we didn't do them.

The next time we go to Dillon, we are going back to Copper Mountain because we all loved it

there. We left for Cedar City on Friday July 23 and I guess it was good to be home, but I wished

we could of stayed longer. Dillon Co is one of my favorite vacation spots, well it is one of my only

vacation spots, unless you count going home to CA once a year a vacation spot, which I guess it

is. Enjoy the pictures.

He hates to have his picture taken.

My nieces Katie and Laura. My nephew Tyler.

My niece Autumn

Close Up picture of Connor

I had to take this picture, since a Corvette is my favorite car. This is a 1963 Corvette.

These next pictures I took, while I went on a bike ride from

Dillon to Frisco and then back to Dillon. It was so beautiful.

Connor just hanging around.

Ethan with his cousin Tyler.

My nieces Emma and Leah.

Me with my brother Tim and sister Amy.

We celebrated 2 of my nieces birthdays.

Ethan riding a go cart in Copper Mountain.

Some more beautiful pictures.

Cute picture of Ethan and Zach.

Connor doing the Bouncing Trampoline

Ethan doing the bouncing trampoline.

In case anyone is wondering of how Ethan cut his finger, I guess I will tell you here. It was a

Sunday evening (why is it that he always seems to have to go to the ER on a Sunday) and he

wanted to fix his nerf gun for it to shoot faster and to do that he needed to take a part out ot the

nerf gun. He watched a video online to show him how to do it and it told him to get a box cutter

because it is sharper to cut things with. He asked for it and well Will and I let him and we should

of watched him, but he is 13 years old and we thought he would be okay, but he is still a

teenager. A few minutes later, he went into the bathroom bleeding and trying to stop the

bleeding, which it wasn't and we tried to stop the bleeding too, but of course it wasn't working. I

ended up taking Ethan to the ER and we were there for about 2 hours or it might of been longer

than that, I can't remember. He ended up getting 4 stitches in one of his fingers on his left hand.

Ethan now says he will never do that again, which is good because just for going to the ER and

getting stitches was expensive and our insurance only paid some of it. At least he didn't break a

bone because that would of costed more and that is what he did when he was in the 1st grade

and this was also on a Sunday. He jumped from a swing at a neighbor's house and landed on his

arm wrong and he ended up breaking his arm. That is another story.

I FINISHED

And I am off

I Finished My First Bike Race

You are probably wondering why I haven't posted anything about my bike race, well I am now. I got up at 5:20 am and it wasn't that hard. I was excited and nervous all at once. I got ready for my bike race and then I got everyone up and yes everyone was tired, including me. We left Cathie's house(Will's moms cousin) at 6:30 am and we knew where we were going because we drove by it, the day before and it was nice driving that early in the morning because no crazy drivers were out on the road yet. We got there at about 7 am and the race didn't start until 7:30 am, so I had time. I signed in and I got my bag of stuff. My t-shirt, water bottle and some coupons. I then got my bike out of the car and I then had time to got to the restroom and Will took some pictures of me and the boys. He also took some pictures of me leaving with everyone else.

I was off and I was feeling pretty good, until I got to the first little hill and it wasn't that big either, but I made it with out stopping, so that is good. Many people passed me, but that is okay. I was going at my own pace. I was pretty much by myself the whole time, but that is okay. I came to the first rest stop and I was doing well. I ate some watermelon and a granola bar and drank some more water of course. Then I was off again and I was okay for the most part. But then I lost it, I started crying and wondering why I entered the race to begin with and that no one has really been proud of me in my whole life and I kept stopping and getting drinking lots of water. Then I told myself, that I was going to finish this race, no matter how long it took me and so I started riding my bike again. I then kept saying "Please give me strength" and then I got to to the next rest stop. They only had water, so I filled up my water bottle. I then was off the biggest hill they had in the race, but I couldn't make it up that hill, so I had to walk my bike up the hill and I wasn't the only one who had to do that. I probably walked it about maybe 3/4 of a mile, I think and then I was able to get back on my bike and ride down the hill. I saw the photographer taking pictures at the bottom of this hill and I thought that was cool. The race was well marked, which was good.

I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel, when I knew the race was almost over and so I was happy about that. I got to the park and I was looking for the finish line, but I couldn't find it and I was wondering if I missed it somewhere along the way to the park. Then I heard Will calling my name and I was so happy to see him. He told me he got worried because the finish line people started packing up and then left and I wasn't back yet. He was wondering if something bad might have happened to me and that I was hurt off the side of a road somewhere. Well, I was okay and I finished the race in 3 1/2 hours and yes I was the last to arrive, but I heard some people didn't even finish the race. I finished the race, all 25 miles of it and yes I wanted to quit so many times during the race, but I had to finish it for me. I have never done anything like this before in my life and I just wanted to know if I could do something like this. I can do something like this and I will do another bike race, but I just don't know when that will be. Anyone want to join me in my next bike race? Just let me know.

Going to Lagoon

It took Connor awhile to pick a horse and so he picked one, but then he changed his mind, that is why he is crying.

I got a picture of Ethan. Lately, he doesn't want his picture taken.

As part of our trip to Northern Utah, we took the kids to Lagoon. It was fun, but I just don't know what is wrong with my 5 year old when we go to amuzement parks. He is okay with SeaWorld, but not Disneyland and now Lagoon. Parts of the day, Connor was okay, but other parts of the day he was whining and just unbearable. He seemed to ruin the day for the rest of us, when he was like that, but when he was in KiddieLand he was perfertly fine. He was having fun. The rest of us had fun, even Zach, whose favorite ride was "The Spider" and we went on that twice. Ethan, loved all of Lagoon and Will and I had some fun too. But Will and I have noticed with the big roller coasters, we can't handle it like we could 20 years ago. We had fun anyway.

My 8 Year old

Zach remembers many things, when it comes to dates and numbers, so once again he amazes me. He was asking what we were doing in July and I was telling him we were going to Colorado. I told him we went there 3 years ago and Uncle Brian and Aunt Gayle and their kids were there too. I also told him we went down the big slide and we got on boats and fed the ducks and that Connor was scared of the ducks. He remembered going, so that was good.

So, here is the amazing part. I told him Uncle Tim, Aunt Sarah, little Tyler, Katie, Laura and Autumn were going to be with us this year. Zach then said something like and he was smiling when he said it. Oh, the baby and they came here last year on July 1 and it rained. I knew they came to see us in July of last year, but I couldn't remember the exact date. So, I got my Journal from last year and looked up July 1, 2009 and I couldn't believe it. They came on July 1 at 6 pm and it rained. That is one of the reasons I love having a Journal and I have been really good about writing in it everyday and it has been almost 20 months that I have been doing just that.