Update

I haven't posted since June, so I think it's time I post something on my blog.  Summer came and went and now it's October.  Here are some of the things that we did this Summer:  Ethan was pretty busy- he had Driver's Ed, Utah Summer Games-he played Soccer and his team won gold in his age division , BYU Soccer Camp, scout camp, and finally got his permit.  Now all he needs to do is drive more, so he can get his driver's licence in December.  He signed up to get it on December 3, which happens to be the day after he turns 16.  For the rest of us, Summer wasn't that busy.  Zach had summer school for 2 weeks in June, I took the boys up to Spanish Fork to see there cousins (Will had to work)and while we were up there Zach had an appointment in Salt Lake City for his wheelchair, to make sure everything was still working and he got a new cushion.  We also went on a family vacation to Dillon Co and we all love it there.  My parents have a timeshare there and 2 of my siblings and there families were also there, so that made it tons of fun.  Connor also started playing soccer in August and I think he liked it, it was his first year playing.  Maybe, he will follow in Ethan's footsteps and play soccer for years, but I won't force him to play.  I also turned 40 in August.

Now, school is in full swing.  Ethan is in 10th grade and I think he is liking school.  His last progress report had him with A's and B's, so I am proud of him for that.  He is also started playing competitive soccer and he is the goalie.  He loves soccer.  He has always played AYSO, since he was 5 1/2, but this year after the Utah Summer Games was over everyone on that team wanted to be on a competitive team and they really wanted Ethan on the team.  He has also been going to the girls soccer games, home football games, girls volleyball games and well as you can see he is very social.  He has many friends.  Zach is in the 5th grade and he enjoys school.  Connor is in the 2nd grade and he likes school for the most part.  They both love riding the bus together.  Will is busy with work and he still loves to read and run.

As for me, I am still working at Iron Springs Elementary part time and I love working out there.  Instead of working in the morning, I work in the afternoons and I get home before Zach and Connor do, which is good because sometimes Ethan isn't home yet.  I am blessed with a wonderful husband and 3 awesome boys and I love all of them.  Sometimes I wonder why they love me so much because I don't feel like I deserve to be loved so much.  Somethings that have happened when I was a teenager, still hurt and I wish the hurt would go away.  I wish I could push an easy button and then the hurt would just disappear and I will forget about it.  I don't think people realize that when they make fun of someone in school when they are a kid, that when the person they made fun of is an adult, it can still hurt and it still does.  I just mostly took it and never said anything and sometimes I wish I had, then maybe things would be different.  I also wish I got contacts, then maybe kids wouldn't of made fun of me, but who knows.  I can't change the past, but sometimes I wish I could.  I know some people didn't like me all that much and I don't know why.  I never did anything to them.  That is why sometimes now as an adult, I feel like some people don't like me and I don't know why.  If I did something to them, I am sorry.  Sometimes I have a hard time talking to people, so sometimes I say or do dumb things.  I read an article back in January and I had to print it off because it has me written all over it.  My husband read it and so has my Relief Society President.  It is called "Silence your biggest bully: Yourself.  I am so hard on myself and I have always been this way.  I think people making fun of me year after year, really got to me and I think that is why I am so hard on myself, well one of the reasons. It's not just that, I hate myself.  My husband says I am a good person and he wants me to love myself, but it's hard to love myself.  That is why I think I don't deserve to be loved by anyone.  I have been depressed on and off for several years and I know that is why some people don't want to be around me, but most people probably have no idea I have felt this way.  I don't usually talk about it with people because I am afraid too open up like that.  I have talked about it with a few people, but not too many.  This is longer than I wanted it to be, so I hope you all have a great day.