Update

I haven't posted since June, so I think it's time I post something on my blog.  Summer came and went and now it's October.  Here are some of the things that we did this Summer:  Ethan was pretty busy- he had Driver's Ed, Utah Summer Games-he played Soccer and his team won gold in his age division , BYU Soccer Camp, scout camp, and finally got his permit.  Now all he needs to do is drive more, so he can get his driver's licence in December.  He signed up to get it on December 3, which happens to be the day after he turns 16.  For the rest of us, Summer wasn't that busy.  Zach had summer school for 2 weeks in June, I took the boys up to Spanish Fork to see there cousins (Will had to work)and while we were up there Zach had an appointment in Salt Lake City for his wheelchair, to make sure everything was still working and he got a new cushion.  We also went on a family vacation to Dillon Co and we all love it there.  My parents have a timeshare there and 2 of my siblings and there families were also there, so that made it tons of fun.  Connor also started playing soccer in August and I think he liked it, it was his first year playing.  Maybe, he will follow in Ethan's footsteps and play soccer for years, but I won't force him to play.  I also turned 40 in August.

Now, school is in full swing.  Ethan is in 10th grade and I think he is liking school.  His last progress report had him with A's and B's, so I am proud of him for that.  He is also started playing competitive soccer and he is the goalie.  He loves soccer.  He has always played AYSO, since he was 5 1/2, but this year after the Utah Summer Games was over everyone on that team wanted to be on a competitive team and they really wanted Ethan on the team.  He has also been going to the girls soccer games, home football games, girls volleyball games and well as you can see he is very social.  He has many friends.  Zach is in the 5th grade and he enjoys school.  Connor is in the 2nd grade and he likes school for the most part.  They both love riding the bus together.  Will is busy with work and he still loves to read and run.

As for me, I am still working at Iron Springs Elementary part time and I love working out there.  Instead of working in the morning, I work in the afternoons and I get home before Zach and Connor do, which is good because sometimes Ethan isn't home yet.  I am blessed with a wonderful husband and 3 awesome boys and I love all of them.  Sometimes I wonder why they love me so much because I don't feel like I deserve to be loved so much.  Somethings that have happened when I was a teenager, still hurt and I wish the hurt would go away.  I wish I could push an easy button and then the hurt would just disappear and I will forget about it.  I don't think people realize that when they make fun of someone in school when they are a kid, that when the person they made fun of is an adult, it can still hurt and it still does.  I just mostly took it and never said anything and sometimes I wish I had, then maybe things would be different.  I also wish I got contacts, then maybe kids wouldn't of made fun of me, but who knows.  I can't change the past, but sometimes I wish I could.  I know some people didn't like me all that much and I don't know why.  I never did anything to them.  That is why sometimes now as an adult, I feel like some people don't like me and I don't know why.  If I did something to them, I am sorry.  Sometimes I have a hard time talking to people, so sometimes I say or do dumb things.  I read an article back in January and I had to print it off because it has me written all over it.  My husband read it and so has my Relief Society President.  It is called "Silence your biggest bully: Yourself.  I am so hard on myself and I have always been this way.  I think people making fun of me year after year, really got to me and I think that is why I am so hard on myself, well one of the reasons. It's not just that, I hate myself.  My husband says I am a good person and he wants me to love myself, but it's hard to love myself.  That is why I think I don't deserve to be loved by anyone.  I have been depressed on and off for several years and I know that is why some people don't want to be around me, but most people probably have no idea I have felt this way.  I don't usually talk about it with people because I am afraid too open up like that.  I have talked about it with a few people, but not too many.  This is longer than I wanted it to be, so I hope you all have a great day.

My 5 Pregnancies

I thought it was time I write about this and yes you read that right, I have been pregnant 5 times.  Here it goes.  I got married in December of 1994 and around Christmas 1995, I found out I was pregnant.  I was excited to become a mother, but in Jan. of 1996, I miscarried and I was about 10 weeks a long.  I was sad for a little while, but 2 months later, I found out I was pregnant again.  This time I didn't tell anyone for awhile.  My son, Ethan was born on Dec. 2, 1996 and he was born 3 1/2 weeks early and that is a post by itself and I will write about that sometime later.  Then in Oct. 0f 2000, I was pregnant again, but something ended up being wrong.  I was having pain, I was bleeding some and so they did an ultrasound, but I believe they couldn't find anything.  So they ended up doing an amniocentestis, which I never want to go through again and it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy and they had to take my left tube out.  I was sad for along time and I don't think I really talked about that pregnancy with anyone and it still is hard to talk about.  Then towards the end of April 2001, I was pregnant again and my son Zachary was born Feb. 3, 2002 and 10 days late I might add.  Then towards the end of Jan. of 2004, I was pregnant again and my son Connor was born 2 days early on Oct. 29, 2004 by emergency C-Section.

Not many people know about me being pregnant 5 times, so I thought it would be good for me to write it down.  I am happy for women who are pregnant, but I am sad at the same time.  If that makes any sense.  I hope to post something else soon.

Soccer and Stuff

Wow, it's March already. Where has the time gone? Can't believe, I haven't written on my blog since Oct., well actually I can. I am on Facebook quite a lot these days and I am mostly playing a few games on there and seeing if I have any messages and what people are up too. I guess there is a lot I can write about, especially about my kids or what I have been up too. One thing I will say, my 15 year old son made the high school soccer team. Most everyone knows about that, especially if you are on Facebook because I told everyone on there. He will be on the JV team, since he is a freshmen and he is goalie. I think one of the harder positions on the soccer team. I also think he is really good. He started playing when he was 5 years old and he just loves playing soccer. His first game is on Tuesday. I am excited to see him play on the high school team this year and I hope to go to all of his home games. I might be able to go to some of his away games, but not that many at all. I guess we will see what happens, this is all new to me.

I am still struggling with somethings right now and most people have no idea because I don't talk about them much. I have written about some of them on here. My self esteem hasn't been good at all for a number of years and even at the age of 39, I still have issues with it. Maybe if I wasn't made fun growing up, that my self esteem would be really good and I would love myself, but I don't love myself at all. The thing that gets to me still, is no one said, "I'm Sorry." Even after all these years one of those would be great. I try so hard not to compare myself with other people, but I am so used to doing it that I don't know how to stop. I have so many talented people in my ward and in my family, I feel invisible. I feel like I can't compare to this, I feel like I am dying inside and that I don't know if anyone can help me. I am not a crafty person, I don't have a baby(most likely never will), I don't get that many phone calls, no one really asks me to help with things, I don't get invited to that many things, but I do try to have movie night at my house sometimes and sorry I can't invite every one. Plus, I have a 15 year old and most of my ward have young kids. I do love my ward I really do, but I feel misplaced some of the time because I feel like a minority. Like I said before, I don't talk about things going on in my life all that much, I guess I am afraid to open up to people because I think they will not want to be my friend anymore. I try not to offend anyone and if I did I am really sorry. Just had to get these things off of my chest, which have been waiting there for awhile and I do feel a little better. Thank-You to all who read my blog, which I know aren't that many at all.

Yep, it's me.

Well, it's been awhile again so here goes nothing. Kids are back in school, well have been since August. Ethan is a freshmen in high school, Zach is in 4TH and Connor is in 1ST. Hard to believe that my oldest is in high school. Most people have told me you don't look old enough to have a kid in high school. Yes, that is true, but I turned 39 this Summer. My husband

is still working at a place he has worked for over 15 years and hard to believe he has been there that long.

As for me, I am working again. I haven't worked outside the home, since I was pregnant with my oldest, which was over 15 years ago. I only work part time and I work at an elementary school, different than my kids. I enjoy working there and the people I work with and the kids are great. It's great because I work the times my kids are in school. This job gives me something to do outside the home and I think I am doing a good job. My husband says he is proud of me, so that is nice to hear. For me, its just nice to be noticed. I have been married for almost 17 years and still after all these years I find it hard to believe that I have someone love me so much. I never thought this would ever happen to me, but it has.

Another thing I want to talk about is a having a baby. Some people know about this because I have written about it a few times on my blog and I know not many people read my blog. I really want one, but I always remember my high risk pregnancy, having another boy that would have Muscular Dystrophy, just like my 9 year old and well I am getting older and my youngest is almost 7 years old. If I had the money, who knows if that would ever happen especially where my husband works. Some people know that I have always wanted to adopt and I am thinking maybe that is where I am suppose to get my little girl, but who knows if that will happen. One thing that helps me deal with this, is I give a baby outfit to all the babies that are born in my ward, which let me tell you is a lot. Even if I don't know them very well, I still give them an outfit. Hey, who doesn't like little baby outfits. I love them. Until, next time.

They Keep Moving Away

I feel sad again, another good friend of mine is leaving this town next month and I don't know what to do about it. This makes 5 really good friends have moved in the past 2 years and I just feel alone. Thankgoodness, I saw one of them this past Saturday and another 1 back in May. That helped a lot. I don't make friends very easily, it has been this way forever. It doesn't matter how old you are, everyone needs friends. I know I haven't been a great friend to some people and I feel bad about that. I just have a hard time opening up to people, I am afraid to getting hurt again. I guess I am also afraid of how people think of me and well I shouldn't worry about this, but I do, for people have talked about me behind my back and so I always think everyone does this. I know it has been years, since I was a teenager and I already talked about this in my last blog entry, so I won't go into that. I want to tell my friends, who live near and far, I Love You. Even though we might not talk often, you are all the best.

The other thing, is I wish I was moving too because I feel trapped here. Let me explain. Yes, this is a great place to live, but a hard place to make a living. I really feel blessed, but I wish we lived closer to more family and better medical facilities. Maybe someday we can do this, but who knows when that will be. For now, my kids are very happy here, we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, and my husband has a job, so that is all that matters.

Okay, here it goes.

Sorry that I haven't blogged for months, but sometimes I have a hard time of knowing what to say on my blog and that is one of the biggest reasons why I haven't blogged for awhile. My life isn't that busy right now, which is okay. I get to stressed out if it is too busy, so I try to keep it low key for now. There is probably one thing that I have wanted to write about for awhile now and I think I am ready to talk about it. I would like to know, why people make fun of others and why people just hate other people for no reason at all. This has happened to me pretty much my whole life and that is why I don't like myself all that much and I try to like myself, but what's so good about me. I wore glasses from ages 4-16 and let me tell you I didn't like wearing them, but I did or I wouldn't be able to see well. A lot of people made fun of me because I wore glasses and sometimes people would see me and just walk away and not really bother to talk to me. From 12 1/2 to 16 years of age I lived in a town called Simi Valley, CA and those were some of the hardest years for me. Being a teenager was part of it, but the other part was being made fun of. People at school did it and so did people at church. I also knew people were talking about me behind my back, I could just tell that they were. Yes, I did have some friends and I knew the ones that cared about me because they liked me for me and they didn't care that I wore glasses. I haven't had to wear glasses for a very long time, but why do I still care about what people think of me. I am friends with some of them on face book and for me it is a good thing. I can tell, which ones care for me and which ones don't, so I am thinking of not being friends with those people on face book anymore. Maybe that would help me, but I don't know. I have looked through some of my journals from when I lived in Simi and all I can say is I did have some happy memories from there, but other memories weren't very happy. Some people were really mean to me and I seemed to believe everything people told me and I can't believe I was that way. I just shake my head every time I read that in my journals.

I am almost 39 years old and I have moved on in a way, but in another way I haven't. It does still hurt, of what kids put me through back then, but it was over 20 years ago. Then I was so happy , when I didn't have to wear glasses anymore. I took the eye exam for Driver's ED in 10TH grade and I couldn't see with my glasses on, but with them off I saw perfectly fine. Then we moved about a month or 2 after that to Ramona CA and I was so happy to move. I had a chance to start all over, where nobody knew my past or that I wore glasses, but I was wrong. I had kids still make fun of me one way or another and it took me alittle while to really make friends, but I eventually did. Some days were harder than others, where I just wanted to stay in my room for a very long time and yes I even thought about killing myself. I had a hard time talking to people, even my own family and to this day I still have a hard time talking about my feelings to anyone, even my husband and kids. I have a hard time sorting out in my head of what I want to say, that is why I ramble sometimes. Even to this day, I still have a hard time making friends and I don't know why. Maybe it is because I am not skinny anymore (used to be a size 7 before kids) or I am older than them or I don't have a baby. I don't know what it is. Maybe I should stop wondering why.

I think I am an okay person, well I try to be anyway. I love movies, you should see our collection, if you haven't yet. I love to collect dolls, love care bears, love to get magnets from the Quilted Bear, you should see my fridge, love strawberries, love my kids, love to watch many TV shows, I write in my journal and I started it when I was 11, love my family, love my husband, love the friends I have and I know I need to be a better friend to some of them and I am sorry for that. I don't like Twilight at all, but I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, love going to the beach, love to take pictures for fun and I even got one published years ago, been Bungee Jumping Twice, many years ago before I met my husband, don't like camping all that much, like to ride my bike, love to drive and the radio has to be on, love Classic Rock and some of that music, I didn't really listen to until I met my husband, love to decorate the house and keep the house clean and my kids are pretty good about keeping it that way and so is my husband, Dr. Pepper is the only soda that I will drink, love to go to church, for the past 2 years or so I have given baby outfit's to everyone that has had a baby in my ward and more babies will be born in the next few months and if I forgot anyone, I am sorry; love to dance and well I could go on and on. So I guess I am an okay person, I really am and I do love life, even though life is hard and we all have trials to go through. I have been through many and yes I am okay. I just have a hard time believing in myself and that I am of worth because of what people did to me back then and it is hard to write about it, but I had to get it out, even though it took over 20 years to do so. If for any reason I offended anyone, I am truly sorry.

Let's See.....

Up at Duck Creek after seeing a Parade of Home

A very cute picture of Zach and Connor on Connor's first day of Kindergarten.

Zach in the hospital after getting his casts on.

I don't have much to blog about right now and I am sorry that I haven't been much of a blogger, but hey not many people read my blog, so I guess it doesn't matter. I guess I will talk about what has been going on with me and my family. The kids started school last month and Connor is now in Kindergarten. Zach is in 3rd grade and Ethan is in 8th grade. Where has the time gone. The kids are enjoying school so far, so that is good. Connor is so happy to be able to ride the bus with Zach in the morning and the district car brings him home, which helps for Connor. Before school started, Zach got some casts on his legs and I feel bad that I never blogged about it, but oh well. He has had them on for 6 weeks and he gets them off next week and we are all excited about that. Everytime he gets a bath, we wrap his casts in plastic wrap and put a small chair in the tub and have him sit in it and have his legs hang over the edge of the tub and it works, but man he is more heavy with his casts on. It doesn't help me to have to carry him, because of my back and yes it still hurts here and there. I am still seeing a Chiropractor and I love her, she has become such a good friend.

I will talk about my husband now and he is doing okay. His job is going okay for him and we are very grateful he has a job right now, but sometimes I would like to work, so I could bring some money in, but I don't have that many skills and I don't have a college degree, but maybe someday I will. I have applied for a few jobs, but I haven't even had a phone call for an interview and that hurts. Maybe I am not filling out the application right or not saying the right thing on it or probably I don't have the skills for it, which is probably the case. Anyway, Will still loves to run and read and watch Shark Week.

As for me, I guess I am okay, but somedays are better than others. I was able to talk to a really good friend today and that so helped because she feels the same way I do in somethings, but I will not go into it because this is not the place for that. Anyway, I still love riding my bike, even though I haven't done it much for almost 2 months, until yesterday. I rode for 10.15 miles and so I am happy about that, even though I did want to quit at times because it was alittle windy. Will tried to go with me, I think last week, but once again he had a flat tire on his bike that he got from Walmart awhile ago and he has know why this keeps happening. He needs a much better bike, but that won't happen for awhile. Ethan also would love another bike because the bike he has is a heavy one, but who knows when he will get another one. Right now in my life, I am trying to figure out what to do with it. I seem to be on facebook way to much and I am trying to figure out why I am, maybe to see what friends are doing or chat with them or see if anyone has sent me a message. They is so much going on in my head right now, that I have a hard time figuring out how to word things, so I tend to ramble when this happens or I am nervous for some reason. It's getting late, so I better go for now. Until next time, which I hope is not to long of a wait.