I wish I knew

Sometimes I wish I knew what to do with my life, even at the age of 40 I wish I knew.  I wish I knew why people made fun of me growing up, but I don't know that answer, but I wish I did.  I wish I knew why I keep worrying about what people think of me, when I know I need to stop doing that, but it is hard to stop.  I wish I knew why I can't love myself, when so many people love me.  See it is hard for me, to get past so many things that have happened to me over the years.  It is hard to let go, when I know I need to.  Maybe if I didn't have to wear glasses from the ages of 4 to 16, I wouldn't have been made fun of and I would love myself.  I wish I knew why I didn't have a backbone back then and stand up for myself .  I was shy back then and I still am.  It is hard for me to express myself, maybe that is why I don't have that many friends.  But people do tell me I have lots of friends.  I compare myself to other people that have been married not as long as I have and they have more children then I do, but I have to tell myself my situation is different than most mothers.  I have a 16 year old son that is diabetic, I have a 11 year old son that has Muscular Dystrophy and a mild form of autism and I have a 8 year old son that is my youngest that for right now is a very picky eater and I hope he grows out of that.  Then there is me, I have back problems and if I have another son he has a 50/50 chance of having Muscular Dystrophy.  That is the biggest reason why I shouldn't get pregnant again, even though I have always wanted a girl.  Plus I will be 41 years old in August.  But with all that, I still compare myself to other people.

I hope someday, I can love myself and not be so critical of everything that I do.  I also wish I knew why I can't forgive myself for past wrongs and for letting people walk all over me growing up.   I also wish I knew why I can't forgive some people and I know I need to forgive them, but they probably don't remember what they did.  See the thing people did, was make fun of me of the clothes that I wore, to not understanding what some words meant, to wearing glasses and to not being that pretty.(especially to everyone that was in my ward back in Junior High)  Junior high was the worst, I did have some friends back then, but sometimes it was hard to tell which ones really liked me, but sometimes it was easy to tell which ones really liked me.  I know people were talking about me behind there backs because I could just tell.  I was judged a lot back then, so sometimes I still feel like people are judging me and talking about me behind there backs.  I need to stop feeling that way, but it is hard doing that.  High school was hard to, I still had people that didn't like me for no reason at all.  But I had people that cared about me too.

I don't think I am all that important, but my husband thinks I am.  He tells me I don't think anyone realizes what you do sometimes.  Like giving baby outfits to everyone in the ward, that just had a baby.  I do that because it is my way of coping because I probably will never have a baby again and it still hurts when everyone in the ward is having a baby, well it seems like everyone is. Or sending birthday cards to people or how kind you are to others.  I guess I am important, but it is hard for me to think that, when my whole life I feel like no one cares about me and that no one whats to be around me because I am depressed and they don't want to be around unhappy people.  Yes, I said it I have been depressed on and off for years.  I have seen a counselor on and off, since high school, well probably it's been more off to seeing one, than on.  The last time I saw one was probably 2 years ago, but lately I think I need to see one again.  Lately it has been hard for me and I usually don't talk about my feelings, not even to my husband and we have been married for over 18 years.  He has told me time and time again that he will always love me.


                  

                  

               

Thankful Tuesday : Music

From The Mormon Tabernacle Choir to Carrie Underwood to Led Zeppelin, I pretty much love all kinds of music, except for rap.   I don't play a musical instrument, but as my dad called it I play the radio and I still do.  My most favorite type of music is Classic Rock and some of the music I used to listen to, when I was a teenager was called Alternative, but now it is considered Classic Rock.  Some of the music I listen to now, I didn't start listening to until I met my husband like The Beatles.  I guess you could say he has been a good influence on me, in the regards of music.  I am not a good singer at all, so in church I sing softly, but in the car I tend to sing a little louder to the radio because I guess I feel more comfortable singing in the car with my family around. The only concerts that I have been to have been The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Alex Boye and LeAnn Rimes.  I hope to go to more concerts someday. Here are some people I love to listen to.


                                      

Thankful Tuesday : My Journal

On May 4, 1984 at the age of 11, I got my very first journal at a Father Daughter activity.  Now, almost 29 years later at the age of 40 I still have a journal and I love having one.  Sometimes I got back and look through them and its fun to read some entries, but other entries it is not so fun.  I know I have talked about it before, but I was made fun of a lot growing up and well many years later it still hurts.  Only sometimes, I wish I could go back and change things, but I can't go back and change the past.  Nobody can.  Sometimes I wish I had an easy button, so I can let the hurt disappear, but I can't do that either.  Enough about that, I think I will stop talking about that.  Moving on.

I am on my 32nd Journal and sometimes I let months go by without writing in my journal, but it has been years since I have done that.  It was back in Oct. of 2000 that I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and I guess you could say I was upset by that and that is when I started not writing in my journal all that much.  Then about 8 years later, I started writing in my journal everyday, even though I sometimes missed a day here and there, but I was better at writing in my journal.  If you don't have a journal, I think you should get one.

My Journals

My current Journal

                                                                                 

Thankful Tuesday: Scenery

It seems like Thankful Tuesday is getting harder to think about what to write about because I have already talked about the people in my life.  I love looking at scenery and talking pictures of it, but there is so much of the world that I haven't seen yet.    These are the places I hope to go to someday when I have lots of money, which I probably never will have:  Europe, Hawaii, Vermont, Australia, Virginia, North Carolina.  Someday I hope I can travel parts of the world, but we will see if that happens.  Enjoy the pictures that I have taken over the years.