I am Sorry

I am sorry that I haven't blogged in awhile, since writing about my brother Tyler.
I am sorry that I have been depressed lately.
I am sorry that sometimes I don't know what to do with my life anymore.
I am sorry that I haven't been the greatest friend.
I am sorry that I haven't being riding my bike lately.
I am sorry for being hard on myself.(almost everyone I know, has no idea)
I am sorry for being sad and crying almost every night.
I am sorry for not expressing my feelings to hardly anyone.
I am sorry for not having a baby around.
I am sorry for being a boring person.
I am sorry that I feel like most people don't want to be around me.(I wonder on this one a lot)
I am sorry for not finishing college.
I am sorry for comparing myself to others.
I am sorry for probably going to see a counselor again.
I am sorry for being shy.( I am not as bad as I used to be)
I am sorry for not loving myself.

 

I am writing this down mostly for me, but I am also writing it down for people that read my blog.  Like I said I haven't blogged, since I talked about my brother Tyler and I want to thank everyone who took the time to read what I wrote about him.  I Miss my brother so much, that it hurts a lot, but I usually keep it to myself.  There are so many things that I need to change about myself for the better and then maybe more people will want to hang out with me.

Thankful Thursday : My brother Tyler

I wanted to take this time to write about my brother Tyler, who passed away at the age of 32 on Friday Jan. 3.  He had Muscular Dystrophy his whole life, but that didn't stop him from reading his scriptures everyday, sending e-mails to family and friends and just being a friend to everyone he came in contact with. I have so many wonderful things to say about my brother, but I have a hard time writing in down into words, so please bare with me as I go on.   Even though, he was my little brother I looked up to him and he was my hero.  For the last few years or so, with all the e-mails he has sent me, he was always telling me that he loves me and that God loves me and that my family loves me.  I have always had a very hard time loving myself, since I was a teenager and one of my resolutions this year is to love myself and yes this one will be hard for me, but I really need to do this for my brother Tyler because I know he would want  me to do this.  His Christmas gifts to me now have a special meaning.  He gave me The BYU Women's Chorus "My God Is a Rock" and the talk on CD by S. Michael Wilcox "Seeing As God Sees."    The talk on CD, is basically talking about discovering the wonder of ourselves and others.  I haven't listened to it yet, but I will soon.  He loved music, so he loved to give me CD's and share his love of music with me.  The other thing he loved, was play games with family and friends.  His favorite board game to play was Scattergories and the night before he died, he asked me if I wanted to play a game and I picked his favorite game to play.  I am so grateful that I picked that game and that will always whole a special place in my heart..  He also loved to play video games, until he couldn't play anymore and then he loved to watch his nieces and nephews play and he also gave them tips to help them get farther in the game.  When we were younger, we loved to watch movies together, but sometimes it would take us forever to decide what movie we wanted to watch and after all these years I know why I have so many movies in my house.  That was one thing Tyler and I loved to do growing up and that will always hold a special place in my heart too.  The other day, I was trying to find letters and cards that he has sent me over the years and I did find some.  It was great to read over them, but it made me cry and that is okay.

He is my hero because he saw the good in everyone, he loved his parents, sisters, brother, nephews, nieces, extended family, grandparents and friends, he read his scriptures daily, he sang the hymns, (had them memorized) and he loved me.  He will be missed by everyone, but I know he is up in heaven running around, being with Grandpa & Grandma Allen, Grandpa and Grandma Gold and other family members and  also doing missionary work.  I love you Tyler.

                                                          

Thankful Thursday : Wedding Anniversary

This past Tuesday, my husband and I celebrated our 19th Wedding Anniversary.  Yes, we have had ups and downs, like most married couples do, but we have 3 amazing boys to go with the 19 years.  I am thankful for my husband and my boys, without them I don't know where I would be.  I never thought I would get married, well I never thought anyone would want to marry me and sometimes I wonder how Will has put up with me after all these years.  I still have a hard time, that a man actually loves me and wants to stay by me through everything.  Will is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love him more everyday.

The day was a pretty good day, my husband got home from work at 5:45 am and he made me and the boys breakfast.  He made French toast, bacon and hash browns.  It was a really good breakfast and he also did the dishes.  Then he went to bed, the boys went to school and I went to work.  We went for an early dinner at the Sizzler because Connor had scouts later and Ethan was going to play indoor soccer with some friends.  It was a really good dinner and I loved being there with Will.
Maybe next year for our 20th anniversary, we can actually go somewhere for a few days, which has never happened for an anniversary or any other time.  Here is to another 19+ years.






 



 

                                                               

 

                                                                   

 

 

 

Thankful Thursday : Compliments

Sometimes it is very hard for me to take a compliment from someone, but I am thankful for receiving them.  When I get a compliment, it tells me that people are actually noticing me and seeing what kind of person I am trying to be and have been trying to be for years, but sometimes I feel like no one notices me, of the things I do.  Anyway,  I received a really nice compliment from the principal a few weeks ago about how great a job I was doing and how some teachers were impressed with how organized I am and what a great job I was doing.  Wow, people actually notice me and I was about to cry, but I didn't.  In case no one knows what I do for my job, I am the Take Home Library person for Iron Springs Elementary, in other words I do all the book in the bags for the kids K-3.  It is nice to receive a compliment from anyone, don't you think.

Thankful Thursday : Talents

This is another post that is hard for me to write, so bare with me.  When I think of talents, I think of singing, playing a sport, cake decorating, playing an instrument, sewing, dancing and writing.  I don't have any of these talents, I wish I had some of these but I don't.  This is where I always compare myself to others, especially when it comes to my siblings and I have pretty much done this my whole life and I know I need to stop doing it, but it is hard to stop.  My husband always tells me that I am very thoughtful of others, which I guess you can say is a talent.  Some people have told me what a great visiting teaching partner I have been, I guess that is a talent.  I am a very organized person and I guess you can say that is a talent to.  As you can see, most of my talents are usually not visible to others and maybe that is why people don't ask me to help.  They always seem to ask the same people to help over and over again.  I usually feel useless and just not worth anyone's time.  Well. I do have talents and I just wish people would ask me to get involved.  I have a hard time asking anyone if I could help out, but please just ask me.

Thankful Thursday: Laughter

I have been going though some stuff right now, that I haven't really talked to anyone about, but that is not what I want to talk about on my blog today.  Laughter, is probably the best medicine for everyone and that would include me.  My oldest son showed me this video a few days ago on YouTube and let me tell you it is pretty funny.  It shows you, how laughter is contagious and it also shows you how different everyone's laugh is.  I know not many people read my blog, so whoever does read it  I want to thank you because it really means a lot to me.  Enjoy the video.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=p32OC97aNqc

Thankful Thursday : For Good Surprises

I think everyone likes surprises, but I love them.  Last week,  my husband ordered a DVD from Groovacious, a store in town where you can buy movies and music ( some of the there music you can't find anywhere else, except online) and you can also order things there too.  It came in a few days and my husband went to pick it up and he came home to show me what he bought, the movie Savannah Smiles and I was very happy.  I haven't seen this movie in years and I have thought about this movie for awhile now and I so love this movie, so I am just happy that he got it and it adds to our movie collection, which is a lot I might add.

Other surprises I have gotten over the years: pretty much every Christmas and birthday, (only sometimes do I know what I am getting) getting a package from my mom with Tinkerbell figurines in it, someone doing the 12 days of Christmas for us, a letter or card in the mail, (not many people do this anymore) one of my good friends threw me a birthday party this year, (only 2 people showed up, but that is okay) flowers from my parents, flowers from my husband, flowers from my brother Tyler, a CD from my brother Tyler, money in the mail that I am not expecting and taking pictures that turn out better than expected, I love those kind of photographs.  As you can see, I love surprises, as long as they are the good surprises.

Took this lovely dolphin picture at Sea World in 1993.
I didn't know how good this picture was, until I developed the film.