Halloween

It's Halloween, so I thought it would be awesome to put a quote for the occasion.  Enjoy.

STOP IT

I wish that there was a talk about this when I was a teenager, then maybe kids would have grown up some and they wouldn't have made fun of me.  I also wish that I had a back bone back then, but I didn't and I still don't.  I keep most things to myself, so maybe that is why I still have so much hurt and anger inside of me.  I know all these stuff happen over 25 years ago, but it still hurts.  I sometimes feel like I am a teenager and trying to fit in still and I am 40 years old.  I hope one of these days, I can just let it all go and just forget it ever happened, but there is no Easy Button that I can push and I can't go back to change things.  I just have to remember that I have people that love me no matter what.

I am...

I decided to do my quote of the week on Wednesdays now.  I think I need to remember all of these for myself, but I tend to forget who I am sometimes.  My husband thinks I am all of these and I tend to not believe him.  I never thought I would find someone who would want to marry me.  He's the best.

Dance ...

I saw this on my cousin daughter's blog about Pinterest and quotes.  She is going to try to put a quote from there on her blog once a week and maybe I will try it.  It should be fun. Okay, I love to dance but I am not the best at it and I never will be.  I miss it.  Maybe I should get back into it, but I am 40.  Happy Thursday everyone.

Update

I haven't posted since June, so I think it's time I post something on my blog.  Summer came and went and now it's October.  Here are some of the things that we did this Summer:  Ethan was pretty busy- he had Driver's Ed, Utah Summer Games-he played Soccer and his team won gold in his age division , BYU Soccer Camp, scout camp, and finally got his permit.  Now all he needs to do is drive more, so he can get his driver's licence in December.  He signed up to get it on December 3, which happens to be the day after he turns 16.  For the rest of us, Summer wasn't that busy.  Zach had summer school for 2 weeks in June, I took the boys up to Spanish Fork to see there cousins (Will had to work)and while we were up there Zach had an appointment in Salt Lake City for his wheelchair, to make sure everything was still working and he got a new cushion.  We also went on a family vacation to Dillon Co and we all love it there.  My parents have a timeshare there and 2 of my siblings and there families were also there, so that made it tons of fun.  Connor also started playing soccer in August and I think he liked it, it was his first year playing.  Maybe, he will follow in Ethan's footsteps and play soccer for years, but I won't force him to play.  I also turned 40 in August.

Now, school is in full swing.  Ethan is in 10th grade and I think he is liking school.  His last progress report had him with A's and B's, so I am proud of him for that.  He is also started playing competitive soccer and he is the goalie.  He loves soccer.  He has always played AYSO, since he was 5 1/2, but this year after the Utah Summer Games was over everyone on that team wanted to be on a competitive team and they really wanted Ethan on the team.  He has also been going to the girls soccer games, home football games, girls volleyball games and well as you can see he is very social.  He has many friends.  Zach is in the 5th grade and he enjoys school.  Connor is in the 2nd grade and he likes school for the most part.  They both love riding the bus together.  Will is busy with work and he still loves to read and run.

As for me, I am still working at Iron Springs Elementary part time and I love working out there.  Instead of working in the morning, I work in the afternoons and I get home before Zach and Connor do, which is good because sometimes Ethan isn't home yet.  I am blessed with a wonderful husband and 3 awesome boys and I love all of them.  Sometimes I wonder why they love me so much because I don't feel like I deserve to be loved so much.  Somethings that have happened when I was a teenager, still hurt and I wish the hurt would go away.  I wish I could push an easy button and then the hurt would just disappear and I will forget about it.  I don't think people realize that when they make fun of someone in school when they are a kid, that when the person they made fun of is an adult, it can still hurt and it still does.  I just mostly took it and never said anything and sometimes I wish I had, then maybe things would be different.  I also wish I got contacts, then maybe kids wouldn't of made fun of me, but who knows.  I can't change the past, but sometimes I wish I could.  I know some people didn't like me all that much and I don't know why.  I never did anything to them.  That is why sometimes now as an adult, I feel like some people don't like me and I don't know why.  If I did something to them, I am sorry.  Sometimes I have a hard time talking to people, so sometimes I say or do dumb things.  I read an article back in January and I had to print it off because it has me written all over it.  My husband read it and so has my Relief Society President.  It is called "Silence your biggest bully: Yourself.  I am so hard on myself and I have always been this way.  I think people making fun of me year after year, really got to me and I think that is why I am so hard on myself, well one of the reasons. It's not just that, I hate myself.  My husband says I am a good person and he wants me to love myself, but it's hard to love myself.  That is why I think I don't deserve to be loved by anyone.  I have been depressed on and off for several years and I know that is why some people don't want to be around me, but most people probably have no idea I have felt this way.  I don't usually talk about it with people because I am afraid too open up like that.  I have talked about it with a few people, but not too many.  This is longer than I wanted it to be, so I hope you all have a great day.

My 5 Pregnancies

I thought it was time I write about this and yes you read that right, I have been pregnant 5 times.  Here it goes.  I got married in December of 1994 and around Christmas 1995, I found out I was pregnant.  I was excited to become a mother, but in Jan. of 1996, I miscarried and I was about 10 weeks a long.  I was sad for a little while, but 2 months later, I found out I was pregnant again.  This time I didn't tell anyone for awhile.  My son, Ethan was born on Dec. 2, 1996 and he was born 3 1/2 weeks early and that is a post by itself and I will write about that sometime later.  Then in Oct. 0f 2000, I was pregnant again, but something ended up being wrong.  I was having pain, I was bleeding some and so they did an ultrasound, but I believe they couldn't find anything.  So they ended up doing an amniocentestis, which I never want to go through again and it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy and they had to take my left tube out.  I was sad for along time and I don't think I really talked about that pregnancy with anyone and it still is hard to talk about.  Then towards the end of April 2001, I was pregnant again and my son Zachary was born Feb. 3, 2002 and 10 days late I might add.  Then towards the end of Jan. of 2004, I was pregnant again and my son Connor was born 2 days early on Oct. 29, 2004 by emergency C-Section.

Not many people know about me being pregnant 5 times, so I thought it would be good for me to write it down.  I am happy for women who are pregnant, but I am sad at the same time.  If that makes any sense.  I hope to post something else soon.

Soccer and Stuff

Wow, it's March already. Where has the time gone? Can't believe, I haven't written on my blog since Oct., well actually I can. I am on Facebook quite a lot these days and I am mostly playing a few games on there and seeing if I have any messages and what people are up too. I guess there is a lot I can write about, especially about my kids or what I have been up too. One thing I will say, my 15 year old son made the high school soccer team. Most everyone knows about that, especially if you are on Facebook because I told everyone on there. He will be on the JV team, since he is a freshmen and he is goalie. I think one of the harder positions on the soccer team. I also think he is really good. He started playing when he was 5 years old and he just loves playing soccer. His first game is on Tuesday. I am excited to see him play on the high school team this year and I hope to go to all of his home games. I might be able to go to some of his away games, but not that many at all. I guess we will see what happens, this is all new to me.

I am still struggling with somethings right now and most people have no idea because I don't talk about them much. I have written about some of them on here. My self esteem hasn't been good at all for a number of years and even at the age of 39, I still have issues with it. Maybe if I wasn't made fun growing up, that my self esteem would be really good and I would love myself, but I don't love myself at all. The thing that gets to me still, is no one said, "I'm Sorry." Even after all these years one of those would be great. I try so hard not to compare myself with other people, but I am so used to doing it that I don't know how to stop. I have so many talented people in my ward and in my family, I feel invisible. I feel like I can't compare to this, I feel like I am dying inside and that I don't know if anyone can help me. I am not a crafty person, I don't have a baby(most likely never will), I don't get that many phone calls, no one really asks me to help with things, I don't get invited to that many things, but I do try to have movie night at my house sometimes and sorry I can't invite every one. Plus, I have a 15 year old and most of my ward have young kids. I do love my ward I really do, but I feel misplaced some of the time because I feel like a minority. Like I said before, I don't talk about things going on in my life all that much, I guess I am afraid to open up to people because I think they will not want to be my friend anymore. I try not to offend anyone and if I did I am really sorry. Just had to get these things off of my chest, which have been waiting there for awhile and I do feel a little better. Thank-You to all who read my blog, which I know aren't that many at all.