Thankful Tuesday : Sisters

I know I talked about my family back in Feb., but I wanted to talk about my 3 sisters, even though we don't see each other often, I love all of them so very much.  I have 1 sister that lives in Spanish Fork UT, 1 sister that lives in Amarillo TX and another sister that lives in Firestone CO.  I wish I talked to them more often or even see them more often, but I don't.  I know there my sisters, but sometimes I have a hard time to figure out what to say to them and I am sorry about that.  Even with family, I am shy around them and I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I did see 2 of them last Summer, so that was fun.  I just wish my other sister was there too, but she wasn't. One sister weekend that we had was at Time Out for Women in the Denver area back in 2007, where my mom and 1 of my sister in laws was able to join us.  That was a fun weekend and I hope to go to another Time Out for Women again sometime soon, but who knows when. The last sister weekend we had, was probably 3 1/2 years ago in 2009 and my mom,  and 1 of my nieces was there too and that was lots of fun.  We saw Wicked that weekend and that was so awesome to see.  I hope to have another sister/sister in law/mom weekend again someday soon because I could really use one of those right about now.

Time Out for Women 2007 with my sisters, sister in law and mom

Wicked Weekend 2009 with my sisters and

Dillon CO 2012 with 2 of my sisters

Ramona will always be home to me

My parents and brother Tyler moved from Ramona CA today, after spending 24 years there.  Hard to believe that they are moving and so I want to do my best to write about Ramona.  But my brother Tim, his wife and 4 kids still live there, so we probably will visit sometime, but I don't know when yet.  I am a little sad that they are moving, but I haven't lived there for several years, but Ramona will always be home to me, since that was the longest place that I lived growing up.

My family moved to Ramona CA, when I was 16 years old and in the 10th grade on Dec. 2, 1988.  (weird to think that 8 years later my son Ethan would be born on that day.)  I have many memories of Ramona and I want to share some of them with you.  I only lived there for 5 years, but I have some good memories there.  I spend pretty much all of high school there, I meet some good friends there and I am still friends with some of them today, even though I haven't seen some of them in years, so I am grateful for Facebook.  I got my first job there, well actually my first job was down the hill in Rancho Bernardo, well that is what we would say.  Then my last job before I moved to college was also in Rancho Bernardo.  I also worked at McDonalds in Ramona, which I never said I would work at, but I needed a job.  I bought my first car at the age of 21, but my dad paid for some of it.  I remember going to stake dances, I remember playing church ball, I remember finally passing my permit test, ( it took me several tries to get it) I remember getting my license in Escondido, I remember going out for pizza after football games, remembering my first kiss, when I was a senior in high school. (in a way I want to forget about that)  I also remembering going to Disneyland for Grad Night and going to Sizzler in the morning for breakfast and I was losing my voice for screaming the night before at Disneyland. I remember going to girls camp and I loved that.  I just wish I had pictures of that, but I don't.  I remember going to the malls: UTC, Parkway Plaza, North County Fair with family of with friends.  I also remember Youth Conferences and let me tell you, those were fun.  I also remember the beach, oh how I miss the beach.  Just so many memories. Then I remember going to the Young Adult Ward in Poway with friends and that was lots of fun.  I met lots of fun people there and I don't see many of them anyway, but I am friends with some of them on  Facebook.

Then I moved away to college at the age of 21 to Southern Utah University in Cedar City UT, where I met my husband the first week I was there.  That was in Sept. of 1993, then got engaged on May 8 1994, which happened to be Mother's Day and we got married on Dec. 17, 1994 in the San Diego Temple.  We had the reception in Ramona and that was fun.  Then we went to Ramona for Christmas every year, except 2001 (I was pregnant with Zach) and 2010. (my whole family spent New Year's in my parents new home in Amarillo)  Now, I am trying to figure out what we are doing this Christmas, but most likely will be staying in Cedar.  I hope you enjoy the pictures.

Thankful Tuesday : Soccer

I am thankful for soccer.  My oldest son has played, since the age of 5 and now he is 16 years old.  He was gotten really good over the years and he has been goalie for probably the last 4-6 years, but I can't remember.   I feel so bad that I didn't go to all of his games, when he was younger.  But for the last 3 years or so, I have been to most all of them, but with him on the high school team there are some games that are just to far away to go to.  He loves soccer or football, if you live in Europe or anyway else it seems.  He has 2 favorite teams- Chelsea and Brasil.  It  would be so cool to take him to one of those games, but that would cost a lot of money to even get him there, so I am only dreaming.  He wants to be a professional soccer player someday, that is his goal.  He also has done the Utah Summer Games last year and then back in 2007.  Last year, his team for his age division won Gold.  He also did BYU Soccer Camp last Summer and he will be doing it this Summer too.  If you ever have a chance, you need to see him play, he is good.

Also, my youngest son, who started playing last year at the age of 7 and he wants to play this year to.  I think he likes it okay, but we will see if he wants to continue it like his older brother has.  I just love watching 2 of my boys play soccer.

 

                  

I wish I knew

Sometimes I wish I knew what to do with my life, even at the age of 40 I wish I knew.  I wish I knew why people made fun of me growing up, but I don't know that answer, but I wish I did.  I wish I knew why I keep worrying about what people think of me, when I know I need to stop doing that, but it is hard to stop.  I wish I knew why I can't love myself, when so many people love me.  See it is hard for me, to get past so many things that have happened to me over the years.  It is hard to let go, when I know I need to.  Maybe if I didn't have to wear glasses from the ages of 4 to 16, I wouldn't have been made fun of and I would love myself.  I wish I knew why I didn't have a backbone back then and stand up for myself .  I was shy back then and I still am.  It is hard for me to express myself, maybe that is why I don't have that many friends.  But people do tell me I have lots of friends.  I compare myself to other people that have been married not as long as I have and they have more children then I do, but I have to tell myself my situation is different than most mothers.  I have a 16 year old son that is diabetic, I have a 11 year old son that has Muscular Dystrophy and a mild form of autism and I have a 8 year old son that is my youngest that for right now is a very picky eater and I hope he grows out of that.  Then there is me, I have back problems and if I have another son he has a 50/50 chance of having Muscular Dystrophy.  That is the biggest reason why I shouldn't get pregnant again, even though I have always wanted a girl.  Plus I will be 41 years old in August.  But with all that, I still compare myself to other people.

I hope someday, I can love myself and not be so critical of everything that I do.  I also wish I knew why I can't forgive myself for past wrongs and for letting people walk all over me growing up.   I also wish I knew why I can't forgive some people and I know I need to forgive them, but they probably don't remember what they did.  See the thing people did, was make fun of me of the clothes that I wore, to not understanding what some words meant, to wearing glasses and to not being that pretty.(especially to everyone that was in my ward back in Junior High)  Junior high was the worst, I did have some friends back then, but sometimes it was hard to tell which ones really liked me, but sometimes it was easy to tell which ones really liked me.  I know people were talking about me behind there backs because I could just tell.  I was judged a lot back then, so sometimes I still feel like people are judging me and talking about me behind there backs.  I need to stop feeling that way, but it is hard doing that.  High school was hard to, I still had people that didn't like me for no reason at all.  But I had people that cared about me too.

I don't think I am all that important, but my husband thinks I am.  He tells me I don't think anyone realizes what you do sometimes.  Like giving baby outfits to everyone in the ward, that just had a baby.  I do that because it is my way of coping because I probably will never have a baby again and it still hurts when everyone in the ward is having a baby, well it seems like everyone is. Or sending birthday cards to people or how kind you are to others.  I guess I am important, but it is hard for me to think that, when my whole life I feel like no one cares about me and that no one whats to be around me because I am depressed and they don't want to be around unhappy people.  Yes, I said it I have been depressed on and off for years.  I have seen a counselor on and off, since high school, well probably it's been more off to seeing one, than on.  The last time I saw one was probably 2 years ago, but lately I think I need to see one again.  Lately it has been hard for me and I usually don't talk about my feelings, not even to my husband and we have been married for over 18 years.  He has told me time and time again that he will always love me.